You know, I think its pretty obvious that lately I have been internalizing things a lot. But, at the same time, I think I’ve done this all along, just not as much. And I know its not because I think that I dont have anyone to talk to, because I do…but I know it IS because I feel like it is a burden on anyone else for them to know, or try to help me figure it out. You see, I have a really hard time externalizing some things. Because…I know that the way I think is very unlike the way that…well, anyone thinks. So for me to try to organize my thoughts so that someone else can understand them, truly is difficult for me.

So, I was thinking, and I think the reason why I internalize things is because I always assume the other person is not listening. Kind of like guilty-until-proven-innocent. And I dont like that, but.. I always pick up on little cues that seem like the other person is not listening, and just stop. So, if people give me a reason to think that they are not listening…obviously they dont want to listen. I hate trying to talk to someone that is not interested. Then, I think the reason why I assume the other person is not listening is because of my mom. I will never forget that time when I was having a conversation with her and having fun and I was so excited that we were finally bonding since we never really just “talked.” Well, in this conversation I was kind of being silly, but I kept repeating that my favorite color is brown. I know I said it at least thrice. Well, about 15 minutes later, I said, “Pop quiz, Mom, what’s my favorite color?” …………she couldn’t tell me. She couldnt answer that question.

I have difficulty saying things because theyre not listening anyways, and I would just end up figuring it out myself anyways…even if it just took me saying it outloud. So, now I dont even say it outloud, I skip to writing it and then still just figure it out myself.

But then, if I dont have time to write………………

aaaaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
*aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
OOOOHHHHHHHHMYYYYYYYGOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!
MAKE THIS MOTHER FUCKING SHIT STOP already.

If my “peers” ever grow the fuck up, it will be THE DAY. When did it start that you can no longer trust anyone at this age with any responsibility? People honestly think that abandoning all responsibility is plausible? I cant wait until it catches up with them…

Today was pretty fun if I do say so myself. We went to the–da dada da–San Diego Zoo today. ive never really gotten into the whole Zoo thing, but it was really alright. I just feel really bad for the cage-ness, but its fun when youre with kids that are having fun too. and when youre with people that joke around and have a good time too. I think everyone was in a pretty good mood today and I laughed a lot.

And today I really started thinking about my family, a lot. Like, my parents. I have really realized how much I appreciate them. Thinking back at all the things theyve done for me….well, us. I mean, Ive always known theyve done SO MUCh for me, and Ive always wanted to repay them for it in any way that I can. Ive also always said that if I ever won the lottery in any significant amount I would give half to my parents. Yes, half. without hesitation. I remember one time after Mom and Dad came home from Las Vegas, and we were staying with … Berleen I think it was. And when we got home, they had the kitchen table FILLED with stuff for us. They went on a vacation, for them and they still felt the need to shower us with gifts. There was so much stuff on that table, I just remember being so surprised and excited. I start to cry everytime when I think about how much theyve done, and continue to do, for us kids. And about how little money we had, yet mom and dad always found some to spoil us, like that time. And they always want to do it in a big way. Its so weird…crying for being so happy, and so grateful. crying. But I dont know, it just happens. Anyways, I am just really really really grateful for my parents, like, I cant believe how lucky I am and have been.

Aaaaaaaaand I got to play on the playground today. I really do love playgrounds. And swings. Especially when you get to watch the sun set on the ocean as youre swinging. The sunsets are beautiful here. And we started to put together a circular-shaped-M.C. Escher-type-butterfly-puzzle today. Which reminds me how much I enjoy M. C. Eschers work. Its funny how I love symmetrical art, but also love extremely abstract unconventional work. And I really love the illusory stuff. Anyways, tomorrow we will be taking it easy, hanging out, maybe going to the beach, and cleaning up the place to get ready to leave early Saturday morning. Back to reality, man. Not ready for it. peace.

On sunday Melanaly and I took the train up to Thousand Oaks to see Anna. It was so nice to see her. I wish I could have stayed so much longer. I love it there. She took me to Tres Friends (3 Amigos) to eat, and i had a really really good burrito. And we went to two plays, Deuces Wild and Tape. They were pretty good. Tape was…interesting. But it was just really nice to see a play, in general. And i got to see TWO so even better. We had to come back yesterday already from Annas, super sad face is what happened. But its not like she doesnt have class and stuff, maybe we can go out for coffee or something while shes home next week.

and then today we spent the day at Sea World. It was real fun. I actually had a really awesome time…except for the lingering sunburn. its cool though because i got some sun, and the dolphin show was the SHIT! melnalay got some on video. and they had cotton candy. oh man, almost ate the whole bag already. i miss kany a lot though. its really unbelievable. I feel like a jerk, but I really wish he was here…but i will get to see him soon. I really hope that restaurant or bar or whatever it is that is in this town still has live reggae on Thursday nights like I saw on this flier…that would rock my world so much. I am going to check it out anyways, just in case. As soon as I saw that I was like “I am going if I have to go by myslef” and I will!
Saturday night Patrick and the girls were really tired and Melanaly and Nancy and I really wanted to go out of the house, so we went out to eat. It was this really nice italian place, and it was a lot of fun. haha On the walk back, there was this crazy guy who started talking to us about the weather and ended up telling us that his mother had recently died…in his arms. Tonight Melanaly and I went outside to take some pictures of the sunset, they were really beautiful. But we caught it at the end, so they were pretty dark. Were going to try to go out again tomorrow night and get some better ones. I love taking pictures so I am excited for that. And tomorrow during the day we are going to go to the Wild Animal Park, and hopefully lay out on the beach afterwards. Im excited!

PeACE

The sun helped me today. I felt like it was a good day because of the sun. And it’s supposed to get up to 50 degrees tomorrow! Too bad Ill wake up (cuz ill need to sleep on the plane a late night and an early morning…ugh) in california where it is just that warm. haha. You know, I think Ive somehow lost some motivation. Or maybe its been this way all along Ive just noticed it now. Or is this year just a lot harder? I dont know. I have issues I think haha. So at work in our department theres like 5 of us in all. Two of out of the five’s names are Rob. So right next to the computer this is this like magazine cutout of this girl wearing a Tshirt that says “I <3 Rob” (but the <3) is actually a heart shape) hahahaaha sorry I just had to share because its right here and everytime I look at it I laugh…outloud. Shes such a strange looking girl too. Like a walmart model or something. aha wow I am going to hell. anways, (haha an-ways…its funny how instead of going back and changing it, adding the “y”, I typed more about it sounding funny…wow). I am thirsty. I need to allocate my time better. Kany is incredible. I think somehow when I am choosing classes, at the time I think I am making “such a perfect schedule”. Well how come every time later on I realize that its not so great. Not just not so great, not even good at all. Seems like nothing works together right. Oh I dont know. I took the plastic off the windows today, it was really nice to actually see out the windows instead of looking through the cloudy plastic. I stole these leather clog shoes from momma (I guess I didnt really steal them considering she bought them and never wore them…and they were only like $3) and Im really glad I did. Kany even loves them, he wears them every chance he gets, haha even though theyre a little small for him. Maybe we can find some of his own…hm. I feel like Im really letting things get to me. Like setbacks and such. Maybe its because things are beginning to build up, and compound. But then I feel like I am stronger than this, I can handle it. So far I have, but Ive been having these mini breakdowns. Or at least, thats what I classify them as. Its weird, but it is just not a stable feeling. Theres so much depth and complexity in this world, how can I let some little stupid trivial things get me. And then I think, in these situations I tend to keep it all to myself when I should be doing the opposite. But at the times its like how could that even help. And I’m not afriad to or anything; I have so many wonderful people to talk to. I guess its just hard stuff to bring up…? So much goes on when I am thinking about things that I cant even organize the thoughts myself much less put them into sentences for other people to understand. I guess its just a lot easier when people just ask me things. Plus, I dont want to sit there and rattle on if they dont have time or dont want to listen or something. I love feeling like I have nothing to hide. I was really thinking about this, and so okay, everytime someone like goes on my computer (because I have all my passwords saved and stuff) and if I tell someone to get something that is like in my purse or something, or even using my phone, they get all hesitant like they shouldnt be looking there. And I mean, thats not a bad thing by them because they are respecting your privacy after all, its very admirable actually. Its just that I love that I can just be like “Dude, you can do whatever, I have nothing to hide.” And even more, I love the poeple that make me feel like I dont have to hold anything back (especially the momma and the papa). I also think that sometimes if I ramble on long enough, I answer my own questions. This was fun for me. PEACE.

*SOC means Stream Of Consciousness….the greatest thought process ever.

Props to Three 6 Mafia!! Hellllooooo Oscars.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

I freakin hate being broke.

…and i hate being hungry but having a tummy hurt.

and i hate living in a shitty house with shitty roommates that dont know how to do common sense things like wash dishes with SOAP, AND hot water…AND dry them completely before putting them back in the cupboard, AND instead of buying a new sponge, using one that theyve found out of a random pail of cleaning supplies that has been in the bathroom under the sink since before weve moved in!!!!!!!!!!!!! …and dont understand the concept of sharing responsibility.

And i hate feeling like shit, not wanting to do anything. im having headaches every day, and this dizzyness? i hate a general feeling of unwell.

and sucking at school because professors like you to memorize random facts for tests instead of teaching you the concepts…

And i HATE winter. The cold sucks, the inbetween snow and spring shit is the motherfucking worst.

Ive never felt the need to SCREAM so badly in my entire life.

and most of all, i hate hating.

So, ive heard people say that having food poisoning is the worst thing EVER, but oh did I not believe them. UNTIL NOW. holy mother criminey flying squirrels, does it SUCK. talk about literally bed rest for 2 days straight and excruciating abdominal pain. (and lingering more mild pain for 2 more days) Especially since i definately needed that the most right now…
But free burritos, man. They’re awesome… Nope. Not when it comes coupled with some nice after-vomit. argh. (dont worry, I shall still eat at chipotle once and awhile…even though mcdonalds does own them…)

Grampa is doing well, though. Which pretty much rocks my world. Even though I couldn’t see him again on Sunday because of the whole violently ill thing, I did get to see him on Saturday. It is hard to see him so weak from the surgery, and from not eating because of being knocked out for so long from the after drugs of the surgery, and then continue to not eat. But, he knows he has to, so it should be okay.

I had much fun at Tori’s on Friday night, too. I really needed that, and Tori pretty much rocks my world also.

Oh, and Kany is wonderful.

Well, its decided, Grampsies is going to have his open heart surgery. Tomorrow morning. Ill be there all afternoon and evening with him and Gramma today, and then right as soon as I can in the morning tomorrow.

I am very happy that most of my Professors and TA’s are cool about this whole thing. My accounting profesora is allowing me to postpone the test from Wednesday to Monday…that was really great of her. And my Afro professor is allowing me to skip class. I havent heard about my Calc TA, but if she doesnt allow me to take it later then Ill just take a zero on it. Its not so bad since we are allowed to drop the lowest quiz anyways. But hopefully she will let me take it later.

I am going with Kany to his court date tomorrow morning at 8:00. And then I have my court date on Friday morning at 8:00. But, I havent heard from my lawyer yet about an update, I may not even have to go to that court date on Friday since he is requesting a trial by jury. We will see. I tried calling yesterday but he was out of the office for Presidents Day. I will call him on my way to St. Cloud today.

Im out. PEACE.

Well, its going to be crazy for awhile. Sorry for those of you that love to read my silly antics (haha yeah right)…but with everything thats going on, I might not get back to writing for awhile. And I might not be around much either. And I know Ive already been pretty absent for the past few weeks/months, but I just need to take some more time, and take care of things.