and

Thursday, 14 Sep 2006

views and importance and kanys amazingness

i dont know what is wrong with me lately. i dont know if i am just creating these views of whats going on, or if it is really whats going on (as others would also view it) i mean, i know everyone has very different perspectives, on well, everything…but i think there are trends. trends in the sense that others pick up the same “clues” on what is going on, and develop similar views.

i guess what i am getting at, is that i really really really hate feeling like i cant do anything right. in fact, id rather have the complete shit kicked out of me than feel this way. that would hurt much less. its like no matter how hard i try, or no matter how much effort i put into over-trying to do well or to please, it seems like somehow the reactions are completely adverse. so maybe thats it, maybe i am just trying too hard. but these things that im trying so hard at, are really really important to me. and if the case is: that the reason the reactions are adverse is because they are not important to others involved, as they are to me, then that really really hurts. i think im really sensitive. especially about things that are important to me. but i do think, and ive said this (similarly, here), that i prioritize a lot of things. especially people. but i want to. and really really do care A LOT about all of the things that I prioritize, maybe more than others realize or can understand. and i really really feel bad when i feel that those things that are important maybe dont feel that importance, or if those things may react towards me in an unfavorable manner, so forth. i just wish that i could somehow get some feedback. that would really help, a lot.

and ive found myself saying “I cant…” a lot lately. and thats it…just “I cant…” with nothing following. I dont know what I cant…do or whatever, but i guess i just think this fits here.

and i feel like i need to constantly apologize. but i dont know what for. but i really am so sorry.

oh my gosh, and kany has been working his ass off arranging our room, and hes done such an amazingly wonderful job. its so clean and organized and put together, and decorated. i love it, im so grateful…but ive done nothing to help him. god, i suck.
i really cant get over how incredibly amazing he is. i am surprised by him every day, and he teaches me so much, especially about myself. ive never had anyone thats actually not been afraid to confront me about things, and even risking pissing me off. and sometimes it does piss me off, but in the end, i still love it. like earlier today when he said straight up what i was doing, he was exactly right, i was way out of line, i should have never acted that way, and i cant believe i was, im still so sorry about that … i love learning, especially about myself from a different point of view. so. much. and confronting is so much better than not, than like holding it in and not at least saying it out loud to sort through it all. i just have found that even if youre not saying it to someone, just simply saying it out loud (or for me, writing it down), helps you decide whether or not it makes sense. or if theres something else that youre missing and should be considering.

but yeah, back to the feedback part. really, if youre reading this: feed. back. and not just to this post. as much as possible. log in anonymously or something. something.

and

Wednesday, 13 Sep 2006

shawn and his amazingness, especially at songwriting.

in my life, things weren’t always the way i wanted but i, cant hide these things that i see with my eyes all the time, i see your face i think im losing my mind it’s so real, cuz the things i say are the things that i feel and someday, you’re gonna see the truth and one day, you’re gonna know that you cant hide from me, cuz if you dont come to realize its me, you’re too late - i know, that the person was me that you really needed so dont, run anymore because i need you i wont, let you get away from me now dont lie, you think about me like i think about you and someday, you’re gonna see the truth and one day, you’re gonna know that you cant hide from me, and if i dont come to realize its you, im too late. dont hide it, dont fight it, my life becomes a part of you - all i see, you’re all i need, one day our dreams will both come true - in my life, things weren’t always the way i wanted but i hide, from the things you say because i really dont know why i try, to make you feel like i dont need you in my life and i, will one day see that its you that i need and someday, you’re gonna see the truth and one day, you’re gonna know that you cant hide from me and if i dont come to realize its you…..its too late..

not only will i never forget you, but not one day will go by that i dont think of you.

and

Tuesday, 12 Sep 2006

gratefulness and overwhelmingness

i dont know. im just feeling really grateful. but at the same time, so overwhelmed. like, i havent had the chance to read anything for school yet, and im getting really worried about that. if work doesnt change sometime soon, im going to have to leave earlier than 10 to get something done for school. im hoping that the art school books wont be so hot all the time, so that i can spread them out and do them during the week instead of others running them also. and school wont be too much, i thought it would be with french, but i think that is going really well and (hopefully) wont be a lot of outside of class work. anyways, i dont know, i think i just get in these moods soemtimes with the gratefulness. like, im so grateful for mom and dad, holy shit if i had to pay every time for an oil change, or even just the advice that dad gives me about things (especially related to mechanics) i dont know how much that would be. or mom getting me plants for me to grow on my own, or paying the car insurance. and with work, all of the opportunities i have. and with school too, learning so much (though costly). and with my friends. i feel so bad that ive been putting off talking to heidi. but i just really want to wait untl i have a lot of quality time to spend to talk with her. instead of being interrupted or anything. but i feel bad because i dont want her to think im ignoring her or that i just dont want to talk to her right now or antyhing like that. its nothing like that. and especially with kany. i dont know what it is, but i just can never get enough of him.. like, i never want to be away from him. i dont know…hes just so easy to talk to and comfortable to be around, hes such a great partner to share everything with. haha i dont know, im just grateful., and overwhelmed

and and

Monday, 4 Sep 2006

another night with kany

kany and i are just hanging out right now, under candlelight because we dont have a lamp and we refuse to buy one because there is an extra one at mom and dads so why buy one if we can get one for free. and we are listening to a CD called “Body and Soul” (slow james, yeaaah!) and were drinking a beer (Leinenkugels berry weiss) and ordering pizza. kany has the best nights…fshizzle.

and dont forget the last nite with kany inclded a surpise remote! “Hmmm this comes with a remote?! Sweet!”

hahahahahhahaha, baby

Tuesday, 1 Aug 2006

are ee ess pee ee see tee

If there is anything that I encounter quite a bit, and in many cases, quite apparently, it is that:

Respect is a two way street. It goes both ways.


  • re·spect ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-spkt)
    tr.v. re·spect·ed, re·spect·ing, re·spects

    1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
    2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
    3. To relate or refer to; concern.

    n.

    1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. See Synonyms at regard.
    2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
    3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
    4. respects Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one’s respects.
    5. A particular aspect, feature, or detail: In many respects this is an important decision.
    6. Usage Problem. Relation; reference. See Usage Note at regard.

  • and

    Monday, 31 Jul 2006

    CDR-Memories grampa fred

    Memories
    -CDR-

    The fishin trips
    the rippen lips
    the catchen eyes
    they were all good size
    the way you walk
    and how you talk
    now i see
    that you’re here with me

    these are the memories that i can see
    i close my eyes and you’re here with me
    open my mind and i see the light
    hold back the years cause i know your alright

    the dirty jokes
    he’d told the folks
    torque he had
    you can ask my dad
    hustlen quarters
    the eastside borders
    could use the rain
    i can’t stand the pain

    these are the memories that i can see
    i close my eyes and you’re here with me
    open my mind and i see the light
    hold back the tears cause i know your alright

    I’ll always regret having to let you go
    my feeling sfor you i hope that you will know
    all these memories i can’t help but see
    i hope that you know what you mean to me

    these are the memories that i can see
    i close my eyes and you’re here with me
    open my mind and i see the light
    hold back the tears cause i know your alright

    the early starts
    the quick remarks
    he’d built it stong
    he can’t do it wrong
    the snug shirt
    he can’t pass dessert
    he’d deal black jack
    now i want him back!

    RIP Grampa Fred.
    July 22, 2000

    and

    Saturday, 15 Jul 2006

    A night with Kany

    “Human beings have the tendency to reassure themselves. And this is ongoing. Meaning, ive noticed the door is locked every time. Instead of coming out and saying the door is closed, I have to ask you what you think about the door being closed all the time to reassure myself that the door is or is not closed for a certain reason. I had a certain view of whats going on, and then instead of coming out and saying hey, this is whats going on, I ask you tos ee if you think the same thing or not and the question is to compare it with mine. We all may do it in a certain different way, but we are all still doing it. Reassuring ourselves. Why do we all care so much?

    Tell the person what theyre thinking in the form of a question telling/asking others to even further reassure.

    I think its fucking incredible.

    Hit this.

    Shit.”

    “Is calling a rabbit a rabbit because it eats lettuce a stereotype? No, because thats what rabbits do. All rabbits. All humans [have a tendency to reassure themselves].”

    and

    Friday, 14 Jul 2006

    may the 4th (of july) be with you, language

    well, vacation was a blast. for the whole time, i rarely knew what day it was, nor what time of the day it was, and it was bliss. i dont know why i used that word, i dont really like it. at all. but anyways, pretty much doesnt get any better than that for me. first kany and i drove up to grand rapids mn to WayneFest ‘06, oh man, it was real fun, except drinking all day is hard work, i know ive said it before, but it really is exhausting! lots of volleyball, lots of the lake, and CDR! hell yeah, man, Common Difference Revival for sure. the performance was awesome. Brian Shawn Josh and Paul did an awesome job they have the BEST songs, well, the ones theyve written any ways. im just never a big fan of covers…except Alabama for sure. oh man, Alabama is pretty great. ooooooo theres a fire in the night… ! and i got a CDR groupie tshirt. it fits niiiice. then waynefest fireworks are better than any other display ive seen yet. i seriously wonder how much he spends on them. and i do look forward to the taco feed, so much lovliness involved with assembly line all you can eat tacos with your family and friends… i wish we could have fished in the fishing contest though, even if it is at 8am. that would have been nice. i tried, but i didnt want to impose on anyone. ill just have to get a boat of my own, i suppose. or kany to get one. and then tuesday trucking it all the way down to shawano to meet the momma and the papa and the rest of the fam’. and moving on to minoqua to a different campground. which reminded me of like ‘corporate’ camping. there was over 200 sites, and they were all dirt, no grass, really shady though, so that was really really nice, but they were all pre apportioned spaces with retaining walls to square them off. and a lot of seasonals…these new seasonal ‘campers’ that look more like trailers in trailer park, but with like steel siding and view windows and stuff. i dont know…it just kinda took something away for me. but it was still nice, there was a beach and a pool, didnt go to either, actually, but went in the boat and tried wakeboarding again, whcih i still cant do by the way…ahhhh. and heres kany just chillin no problem getting on top of the water, and trista with those skis, shes jumping the wake, and trying to kick one off and go on a single ski. just has the hang of it completely. yeah, im jealous. shit. but ill keep trying at least. i cant give up, nope. and there was shuffleboard. i do love the shuffleboard…but i didnt get to play that much. and in minoqua theere was a really cool ski show that we went to. they perform every sunday wednesday and friday, and we went on friday. it was great. and the coolest thing was, it wasnt like a perfect, practiced, synchronized show. it was just basically practice for all the people that go off to competition and tournaments and stuff. i liked that. then saturday we headed for home. we left at like 10, and got home around 5. dude, driving takes it OUT of me! omg. i couldnt beleive how tired i was, i literally just crashed! and then sunday, i was still recovering, i barely had the ambition then to clean out the car and go grocery shopping…and it ended up taking forever to get that done too.

    and then, turns out, EVERYONE at work just forgot that i told them i wasnt going to be at work last week, some of them i told like 3 times! and still, no one remembered. funny how this sort of thing seems to happen to me a lot. or at least i notice this anyways. i get the feeling many times that people just dont listen to me. whether i am telling them about my weekend, or that i would like to take of work. i dont know if there is some high frequency tone in my voice or something that the average ear cant hear, or what. but i truly do hate that feeling, very much. and dont get me wrong, sometimes i may just not be clear about something, i know that i am terrible about that, not being able to say things as i wish people to understand them. but i may also just be more vague because it is the second time i am saying it and i am assuming that you remember the details from the first time. and i guess it may come with the age also, too young to really know anything, so no sense in paying attention… …not all the time of course, and no one in particular…but i just notice that it happens quite a bit where i have to either repeat myself several times, or say i told you so. and in some cases, i get offended. especially like when a service technician comes in, and i am the one that calls them, and they just so happen to come in 15 minutes after the another worker comes in, and instead of asking me what the problem is, looking right past me, and talking to the other person. and the reason why that bothered me the most was because the other person that had just come in, had been gone the whole past week. and the service technician had been in that past week and saw me working that shift, and asked the other person if they had been working the past couple of nights…! just an example. a quite recent one, in fact. its just really offending to me for someone to automatically assume something about me, especially about my skills or aptitude, or even myself as a person, without any basis or evidence, or with misinterpreted evidence. and straight up, makes me feel like shit.

    anyways, this week ive been working quite a bit. and i do need to catch up, so its alright. tomorrow is dads birthday, so i am going to spend the day with them at the campground. and then work on sunday.

    you know, im actually kind of excited for school. i think i get this way at about this time every summer. i know i did last summer for sure. but i also know that i definately needed this break. ive gotten myself back to reality and back to…me. for awhile there it seemed like everything was just clouded or something. but only having 15 credits for the next semester instead of 19 is something to look forward to definately. i wish i could help kany make his decisions about school, i just dont know what to tell him. and most importantly, i dont want to influence him in any way that might be away from what he really wants. and especially wouldnt want him to find out later that it wasnt what he wanted. and i need to make some decisions myself. but i think i know what i want to do. ive really been thinking about this for a long time now, and its going to be a lot of work, but i think im going to do it: start learning french instead of continuing spanish. i mean, for global studies i need to actually take the 4 semesters of the language anyways, i cant just test out of them. and i have 3 left of spanish anyways, so why not take something that I can actually use? Plus, for where i want to go in the future (which also isnt quite certain) i dont think i want to deal with spanish speaking countries. i dont want to be in central america, or south america, i want to deal with europe, and spain is like an entirely different form of spanish than what ive been learning anyways. I really want to do that, and i really need to figure all of that out, very soon…hopefully, and i am assuming there is, that there is something similar to what i was going to do anyways, and that is go and study abroad for language, many of them you dont need any prior knowledge of the language, and you can take 4 semesters worth in one semester. and i definately need to go somewhere that has that as the main language and immerse myself into it, because that is how i want to learn a different language. that is basically the only way ill ever be fluent, because i tend to be able to get good grades in the classes the way they teach it here, same as high school, and not really learn it like i want to anyways. so yeah, i need to go talk to someone about that, and go to the study abroad meeting, like in the next couple of weeks.

    well, thats all what ive been thinking a lot about lately. and more, of course, but i havent thought about those enough to be able to write them down. they shall come. anyways, PEACE for now. LOVE.

    and and

    Friday, 30 Jun 2006

    you remind me of..

    You remind me of….when you really want to take a picture of something, but don’t have a camera.

    Friday, 23 Jun 2006

    working nights, 4th of july for sure

    i am at work. which is alright. were waiting on files. i got enough sleep today to not even be tired right now, so thats pretty cool. except for the fact that i slept past 10, leaving kany waiting for me at work. gosh, i cant believe i did that, i feel so bad. and he invited this guy Dan from work to come over, so he was waiting for us to get home..

    anyways, so i must say that im pretty excited for WayneFest ‘06, and then camping with mom and dad and bruce and marsha. 4th of July is the best time of the year, for sure. all the driving may get long, but it will be worth it. oh hell yeah. i bet i was asked about 10 times on tuesday if i was going to waynefest this year…for sure.

    im working nights this weekend. should be interesting. im alright with it, excpet that now kany and i work different shifts. but that will happen.

    wellp, i guess thats all my brain has for now. weird. peace.

    “Its not like we had satellites 150 years ago to say, ‘Fuck, thats a lot of ice.’”
    -Patrick Stuart on global warming and ice caps.