Dad just called me to tell me that he saw 6 snowflakes.

That makes me sad. Not just the fact that I dont like snow, or the cold, but also for the fact that I havent had any freakin time to write SINCE AUTUMN STARTED, and now winter is starting! GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

that is how i feel.

that is all.

I smelt autumn for the first time last night. It must be fall for sure now.

My sense of smell is indeed freakish, but I enjoy it… I can smell Kany, I can smell when rain is coming, and I can smell autumn. Its wonderful. Not the cold part, and especially not the thought of winter coming….ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But, moral of the story: it is autumn.

so i was sitting in my cultural anthropology class today (which is one of the most excellent classes ive ever taken, its literally like just a huge ass interactive discussion where we all kinda like teach ourselves, and the professor, OMG, on one of the first days, we had a group discussion day, and he was assigning the groups, so he starts at the top left of the auditorium and just starts looking at people and saying their names! he took the pictures that are in the UMN system that are like on our student id cards and must have like a photographic memory or something to remember all probly 50 or more of us by name and face!! he amazes me)

hahaha woooahh tangent. so i was sitting in cult anth, and i get this thought pop up in my mind so consuming i just had to write it down to later write in here. it goes like this:

what is it about me that people just dont want to listen? I mean, is my voice tone at some level that humans have trouble recepting? Do I just suck that badly at talking (i.e. making arguements, telling stories) that its just too painful to listen to me struggle or try to make sense of it? I really wonder about this. Ive experienced this quite a bit (especially with mom and her being a hypocrite about it) and even again this happened in this Cultural Anthropology class. We had that group discussion for a whole class period (75 minutes) and had to write up what we talked about, and i swear I wasnt able to finish one whole thought or point, or even a sentence without being interrupted…and not like interrupted like something I said caused a breakthrough for someone else to make a similar point or add to my point, but interrupting with something totally and completely different or irrelevant to what I was saying. And then! later on, someone made the same exact point as I was trying to make before being interrupted, and not so much in different words either.
I dont know. This just kind of drives me crazy because i know that i have trouble talking, making points, telling stories, and so i try so hard to make sure i know what i am talking about or what i want to say before i even open my mouth. And even still its like no one cares to listen. Maybe it has to do with politeness and respect, that I always make sure to let a person finish what theyre saying (especially if theyre not making sense because, well, i know how they feel, and also because perhaps if they keep talking they may be able to figure it out on their own how to make it make sense) and i always make sure to give the other person the opportunity to say everything they wanted to say. so i dont know, maybe i am taking it personally when actually the cause of it is a lack of politeness or respect in others rather than my own suckiness at speaking…i just dont know.

We are checking out Kanys sweet new computer.
I decide to take a drink of my Tazo Passion tea.
Then, we kiss.
Kany: “Did you just eat a peach or something?”

i dont know what is wrong with me lately. i dont know if i am just creating these views of whats going on, or if it is really whats going on (as others would also view it) i mean, i know everyone has very different perspectives, on well, everything…but i think there are trends. trends in the sense that others pick up the same “clues” on what is going on, and develop similar views.

i guess what i am getting at, is that i really really really hate feeling like i cant do anything right. in fact, id rather have the complete shit kicked out of me than feel this way. that would hurt much less. its like no matter how hard i try, or no matter how much effort i put into over-trying to do well or to please, it seems like somehow the reactions are completely adverse. so maybe thats it, maybe i am just trying too hard. but these things that im trying so hard at, are really really important to me. and if the case is: that the reason the reactions are adverse is because they are not important to others involved, as they are to me, then that really really hurts. i think im really sensitive. especially about things that are important to me. but i do think, and ive said this (similarly, here), that i prioritize a lot of things. especially people. but i want to. and really really do care A LOT about all of the things that I prioritize, maybe more than others realize or can understand. and i really really feel bad when i feel that those things that are important maybe dont feel that importance, or if those things may react towards me in an unfavorable manner, so forth. i just wish that i could somehow get some feedback. that would really help, a lot.

and ive found myself saying “I cant…” a lot lately. and thats it…just “I cant…” with nothing following. I dont know what I cant…do or whatever, but i guess i just think this fits here.

and i feel like i need to constantly apologize. but i dont know what for. but i really am so sorry.

oh my gosh, and kany has been working his ass off arranging our room, and hes done such an amazingly wonderful job. its so clean and organized and put together, and decorated. i love it, im so grateful…but ive done nothing to help him. god, i suck.
i really cant get over how incredibly amazing he is. i am surprised by him every day, and he teaches me so much, especially about myself. ive never had anyone thats actually not been afraid to confront me about things, and even risking pissing me off. and sometimes it does piss me off, but in the end, i still love it. like earlier today when he said straight up what i was doing, he was exactly right, i was way out of line, i should have never acted that way, and i cant believe i was, im still so sorry about that … i love learning, especially about myself from a different point of view. so. much. and confronting is so much better than not, than like holding it in and not at least saying it out loud to sort through it all. i just have found that even if youre not saying it to someone, just simply saying it out loud (or for me, writing it down), helps you decide whether or not it makes sense. or if theres something else that youre missing and should be considering.

but yeah, back to the feedback part. really, if youre reading this: feed. back. and not just to this post. as much as possible. log in anonymously or something. something.

in my life, things weren’t always the way i wanted but i, cant hide these things that i see with my eyes all the time, i see your face i think im losing my mind it’s so real, cuz the things i say are the things that i feel and someday, you’re gonna see the truth and one day, you’re gonna know that you cant hide from me, cuz if you dont come to realize its me, you’re too late - i know, that the person was me that you really needed so dont, run anymore because i need you i wont, let you get away from me now dont lie, you think about me like i think about you and someday, you’re gonna see the truth and one day, you’re gonna know that you cant hide from me, and if i dont come to realize its you, im too late. dont hide it, dont fight it, my life becomes a part of you - all i see, you’re all i need, one day our dreams will both come true - in my life, things weren’t always the way i wanted but i hide, from the things you say because i really dont know why i try, to make you feel like i dont need you in my life and i, will one day see that its you that i need and someday, you’re gonna see the truth and one day, you’re gonna know that you cant hide from me and if i dont come to realize its you…..its too late..

not only will i never forget you, but not one day will go by that i dont think of you.

i dont know. im just feeling really grateful. but at the same time, so overwhelmed. like, i havent had the chance to read anything for school yet, and im getting really worried about that. if work doesnt change sometime soon, im going to have to leave earlier than 10 to get something done for school. im hoping that the art school books wont be so hot all the time, so that i can spread them out and do them during the week instead of others running them also. and school wont be too much, i thought it would be with french, but i think that is going really well and (hopefully) wont be a lot of outside of class work. anyways, i dont know, i think i just get in these moods soemtimes with the gratefulness. like, im so grateful for mom and dad, holy shit if i had to pay every time for an oil change, or even just the advice that dad gives me about things (especially related to mechanics) i dont know how much that would be. or mom getting me plants for me to grow on my own, or paying the car insurance. and with work, all of the opportunities i have. and with school too, learning so much (though costly). and with my friends. i feel so bad that ive been putting off talking to heidi. but i just really want to wait untl i have a lot of quality time to spend to talk with her. instead of being interrupted or anything. but i feel bad because i dont want her to think im ignoring her or that i just dont want to talk to her right now or antyhing like that. its nothing like that. and especially with kany. i dont know what it is, but i just can never get enough of him.. like, i never want to be away from him. i dont know…hes just so easy to talk to and comfortable to be around, hes such a great partner to share everything with. haha i dont know, im just grateful., and overwhelmed

kany and i are just hanging out right now, under candlelight because we dont have a lamp and we refuse to buy one because there is an extra one at mom and dads so why buy one if we can get one for free. and we are listening to a CD called “Body and Soul” (slow james, yeaaah!) and were drinking a beer (Leinenkugels berry weiss) and ordering pizza. kany has the best nights…fshizzle.

and dont forget the last nite with kany inclded a surpise remote! “Hmmm this comes with a remote?! Sweet!”

hahahahahhahaha, baby

If there is anything that I encounter quite a bit, and in many cases, quite apparently, it is that:

RIP Grampa Fred.
July 22, 2000