i feel like i really just cannot get over….kany. i know ive been writing about him a lot lately, but i cant help it. i feel like it is a miracle or something. i feel like, again, how did i get so lucky. i mean, ive already talked about how i feel so lucky about my family and stuff, but its like, every time kany talks about “us” its just…unexplainable. and i guess mainly the way i feel is that i couldnt have even imagined being so in love with someone, and so happy, and we can literally never get enough of each other, like we really never get sick of each other. i always feard moving in with anyone, even like, my sister, or a really good friend. because, everyone knows that you never really ‘know’ someone until you move in with them, and chances are, it will break your relationship. and i cant help but recall the time a year or so ago when sharon called me out of the blue asking me if she got the internship (or clinicals or something like that, at the mayo–i guess there are only a couple of places for nuclear biochemistry…which i think is what sharon is studying, something similar at least…but anyways there are only a couple of places that they can do their clinicals, and the closest to ‘home’ which for sharon is really important, is the mayo–and so she called me and asked me if i wanted to get a place with her if she ‘got in’ to the clinincals at the mayo) and of course i said yes, that would be amazing. i feel really close to sharon on many levels even though at one time i did not…but one cannot help but wonder, or worry perhaps, at how it would affect our relationship moving in together. and that is the worry all the time, about moving in with anyone. and i just find it amazing that we (kany and i) can live together so easily. and be so in love. i love it though. its so unbelievably helpful having that like support all the time. always having someone to come home to..and i know i always have tori too, because she is an unbelieveable friend too, even though i dont always show her that, she really means SO much to me…the things that she says to me. she really is amazing. but you know, its different, a partner, a significant other…not to raise that significant other to a higher level than an amazing friend, but it really is..just different. apples and oranges. but always having someone so supportive and welcoming, and amazing to come home to, and sexy as hell, and its like all too good to be true i guess is what im getting at. i always told myself that, well, i guess the better way to put it is that ive always felt like there really was such a thing as true love, or a perfect partner or sorts, for everyone. and i even knew that i would just know when i found them. and even so i never thought it would happen. because i knew i would never just ’settle’ and so i thought it would be this exhaustive search…and thats why i always had to open my horizons and go other places so as to provide myself with opportunities to meet new people and whatever but holy shit, of all places, st. cloud is where i met him. i like, vowed to myself to have NOTHING to do with St Cloud State because i just had this bad sort of feeling about the place, and much of it had to do with the people from my high school who would go ther because they couldnt get in anywhere else and just the type of people that they were/are and that i never wanted anythign to do with them, ever…but how ironic. turns out, without that place, i would have never met him. Mahamadou Kane. wow. and like he said, the way it happend, its like, there has to be somethign. and i know i have a hard time believing in god, but there has to be something. something. it brought us together, and for no forseeable or apparent reason. life is fuckin amazing. but it sucks at the same time.

okay, i know a lot of this is rambling, but its how i do. stream of consciousness, baby. i just gotta get the thoughts out there. and so, what-ev. have it as you will. its how i do.

yeah…im just, not going to talk anymore. i fucking hate how i can never convey the right tone or whatever in my voice, or how i can never choose the right words to get out what i need to get out, or pretty much do anything right when it comes to talking…so im just going to talk less. damn it really sucks, but i hate getting these looks that i get and i hate confusing people and it just sucks. it all just sucks. and its actually really kind of depressing and makes me feel sad. “im really dumb…”

ive kind of had an epiphany last night. i think the reason why i love Freud so much is because of the highly subjective nature of his theories. Unfortuately, this is the same reason why current psychologists reject his theories: because they are not testable.

but fuck, they make so much sense!, who cares if theyre not testable.

and it also kind of makes me mad/sad to think that just because something is not empirically based, in our society it is automatically rejected. i am afraid that this preoccupation with objectivity is getting in the way of everything. especially if you think about society itself. society is allowing the scientists to completely reject subjectivity for the comfort zone of relying on ‘hard facts’, when imagine how different society would be if everyone were required to read freuds texts, say, in like high school. if everyone understood how everyone worked (which is basically what psychology is…why people do the things that they do, or act the way that they act), and analyzed events and happenings based on these understandings, everything would be so much smoother!

beautiful.

umm, so heres the thing. Ive been wanting to do this for a long time, but just havent had the time…

This song is dedicated to Anna Felix (like the cat). just like Wait for Me by Flaw, it makes me think of you. And just for the minute chance that you might be reading this…not a day goes by where I dont think about you. And i also wanted you to know that I still have that amazing picture you drew for me (yes, the gnome one). And its hanging up in my bathroom for an even further reminder of you.

i hope you get it…

dude, whats up with these headaches lately? is anyone a doctor? can you help me? oh god, no one can help me. they pound. and, theyre localized. crazy insane. i wish i could just slow down. Theres only one solution, and its not a plausible one. fuck. shit. fuck.

this is the insanity that i live in. i am sorry to those who have to deal with me like this. (except tori because she gets huge wads of money from me every so often, so she cant complain….haha) no but really…

and im trying to figure out my schedule for spring, and nothing is working out. at this point, it is all required classes, and so there are slim pickins. i have to take at least one night class. if it wasnt for work, i would be taking two night classes, but now that i cant do that because of work, i have to hope hope hope that its offered in the fall. otherwise, who knows, maybe i wont graduate. great.

anyways, i just felt like writing, and i dont have any more time because my “break” is over.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AHHHH AHHHH AHHHH!

that is all.

Dad just called me to tell me that he saw 6 snowflakes.

That makes me sad. Not just the fact that I dont like snow, or the cold, but also for the fact that I havent had any freakin time to write SINCE AUTUMN STARTED, and now winter is starting! GAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

that is how i feel.

that is all.

I smelt autumn for the first time last night. It must be fall for sure now.

My sense of smell is indeed freakish, but I enjoy it… I can smell Kany, I can smell when rain is coming, and I can smell autumn. Its wonderful. Not the cold part, and especially not the thought of winter coming….ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. But, moral of the story: it is autumn.

so i was sitting in my cultural anthropology class today (which is one of the most excellent classes ive ever taken, its literally like just a huge ass interactive discussion where we all kinda like teach ourselves, and the professor, OMG, on one of the first days, we had a group discussion day, and he was assigning the groups, so he starts at the top left of the auditorium and just starts looking at people and saying their names! he took the pictures that are in the UMN system that are like on our student id cards and must have like a photographic memory or something to remember all probly 50 or more of us by name and face!! he amazes me)

hahaha woooahh tangent. so i was sitting in cult anth, and i get this thought pop up in my mind so consuming i just had to write it down to later write in here. it goes like this:

what is it about me that people just dont want to listen? I mean, is my voice tone at some level that humans have trouble recepting? Do I just suck that badly at talking (i.e. making arguements, telling stories) that its just too painful to listen to me struggle or try to make sense of it? I really wonder about this. Ive experienced this quite a bit (especially with mom and her being a hypocrite about it) and even again this happened in this Cultural Anthropology class. We had that group discussion for a whole class period (75 minutes) and had to write up what we talked about, and i swear I wasnt able to finish one whole thought or point, or even a sentence without being interrupted…and not like interrupted like something I said caused a breakthrough for someone else to make a similar point or add to my point, but interrupting with something totally and completely different or irrelevant to what I was saying. And then! later on, someone made the same exact point as I was trying to make before being interrupted, and not so much in different words either.
I dont know. This just kind of drives me crazy because i know that i have trouble talking, making points, telling stories, and so i try so hard to make sure i know what i am talking about or what i want to say before i even open my mouth. And even still its like no one cares to listen. Maybe it has to do with politeness and respect, that I always make sure to let a person finish what theyre saying (especially if theyre not making sense because, well, i know how they feel, and also because perhaps if they keep talking they may be able to figure it out on their own how to make it make sense) and i always make sure to give the other person the opportunity to say everything they wanted to say. so i dont know, maybe i am taking it personally when actually the cause of it is a lack of politeness or respect in others rather than my own suckiness at speaking…i just dont know.

We are checking out Kanys sweet new computer.
I decide to take a drink of my Tazo Passion tea.
Then, we kiss.
Kany: “Did you just eat a peach or something?”

i dont know what is wrong with me lately. i dont know if i am just creating these views of whats going on, or if it is really whats going on (as others would also view it) i mean, i know everyone has very different perspectives, on well, everything…but i think there are trends. trends in the sense that others pick up the same “clues” on what is going on, and develop similar views.

i guess what i am getting at, is that i really really really hate feeling like i cant do anything right. in fact, id rather have the complete shit kicked out of me than feel this way. that would hurt much less. its like no matter how hard i try, or no matter how much effort i put into over-trying to do well or to please, it seems like somehow the reactions are completely adverse. so maybe thats it, maybe i am just trying too hard. but these things that im trying so hard at, are really really important to me. and if the case is: that the reason the reactions are adverse is because they are not important to others involved, as they are to me, then that really really hurts. i think im really sensitive. especially about things that are important to me. but i do think, and ive said this (similarly, here), that i prioritize a lot of things. especially people. but i want to. and really really do care A LOT about all of the things that I prioritize, maybe more than others realize or can understand. and i really really feel bad when i feel that those things that are important maybe dont feel that importance, or if those things may react towards me in an unfavorable manner, so forth. i just wish that i could somehow get some feedback. that would really help, a lot.

and ive found myself saying “I cant…” a lot lately. and thats it…just “I cant…” with nothing following. I dont know what I cant…do or whatever, but i guess i just think this fits here.

and i feel like i need to constantly apologize. but i dont know what for. but i really am so sorry.

oh my gosh, and kany has been working his ass off arranging our room, and hes done such an amazingly wonderful job. its so clean and organized and put together, and decorated. i love it, im so grateful…but ive done nothing to help him. god, i suck.
i really cant get over how incredibly amazing he is. i am surprised by him every day, and he teaches me so much, especially about myself. ive never had anyone thats actually not been afraid to confront me about things, and even risking pissing me off. and sometimes it does piss me off, but in the end, i still love it. like earlier today when he said straight up what i was doing, he was exactly right, i was way out of line, i should have never acted that way, and i cant believe i was, im still so sorry about that … i love learning, especially about myself from a different point of view. so. much. and confronting is so much better than not, than like holding it in and not at least saying it out loud to sort through it all. i just have found that even if youre not saying it to someone, just simply saying it out loud (or for me, writing it down), helps you decide whether or not it makes sense. or if theres something else that youre missing and should be considering.

but yeah, back to the feedback part. really, if youre reading this: feed. back. and not just to this post. as much as possible. log in anonymously or something. something.