i dont really know what to write today, but somehow i just want to. its funny because after i wrote that first sentence, i sat here for about 5 minutes thinking of what to write, and guess what i came up with….? nothing. I guess i just kinda feel depressed. i mean, being broke REALLY sucks, and what sucks even more is feeling like youre working your buns off yet not being able to really make a dent in doing anything about it. and what sucks even worse is feeling like i was pushed into this situation. why dont i have a job right now? i honestly couldnt tell ya. i seem to remember someone telling me that a job would always be there when i needed it, yet, its not. oh well, im over it, i guess. its just so hard to be in transition, and in such a weird type of transition. i mean, do i apply at restaurants and coffeeshops (if i could even get in with my stupid school schedule being all over the place) to maybe work there for a few months until i graduate, upon which i will necessarily be attempting to find a job that actually puts my skills to use? or what? or what? i guess i just need a little guidance. or something. it sucks cuz i feel like i need someone to talk to, yet cant find the right words to say. but then, thats always been a problem of mine. which brings me to my next topic, French. man, sometimes i feel like im rockin that language, and the next its like i know nothing. i just really want to be comfortable with it, but why the heck is it so damn hard for me to speak it? maybe for the same reason that ive always had problems with words in english too. who knows. someday i think ill figure it out. but for right now, im just Lost.
which brings me to my next topic, the show, Lost. How freakin excellent is this show anyways? oh man, so many questions. i shall have to come back to this topic though because i must get myself out the door to go to class, then to work the wonderful world of assembly line. (which somedays is actually not so bad, its just the thought of how i got here to begin with that is so bad).

peace.

Please, you know you don’t have to, but if you must purchase something for our newleywed-ness, I registered at Target Club Wedd under Jessica Linn-Kané for ideas.

Yes, Kany and I got married today!

just thought it was interesting…

“It seems like everyone is bickering and arguing this month and they all want you to mediate for them. The trouble is that you are fed up with most of the squabbling and backstabbing going on. You are tired of closed-minded people and you are tired of petty arguments. You are still going to be the one playing the role of peacemaker, but you are probably more ticked off than anyone else is as a result. Luckily, there are some moments when you get to sneak away and have some fun and laughter with your favorite people. And you come up with some brilliant problem solving ideas while laughing and playing.”

now, dont you wanna check your horoscope today?

hahahahaha, here you go, then.

dang. its been MONTHS dude. i sincerly apologize. if anyone still reads my highly entertaining blog anymore with such little activity… but hey, ive been out of the country for the last 2 out of 3 months, is that a good excuse? who makes excuses anyways, no, but that does mean that ill have a LOT to write about. to come. i just spent the last 3 hours messing with facebook…pictures and videos, shit my eyes are bugging out. sooon, now i just cant wait for my baby to come home from work. sooooooooon!
peace

Im so crabby today. I totally thought I got a good nights sleep too, a good 7 hours. And at the beginning of my internship, I even felt pretty good. But eff-ing-A, after I got home from my internship, and tried to get some homework done, the stupid dog(s) upstairs kept barking and barking and barking NON STOP. I tried blasting some music, but I could still hear them! If I had my ipod and/or didnt take my computer to class today, I would have absolutely left the music blaring while i was gone. I am so sorry, but I just don’t understand. First of all, I dont understand why people like dogs in the first place, and second , I do not understand how they can just let them bark and bark and bark and bark and bark and bark and bark. Well, nice work, my friends, I am officially crabby and PISSED. this cannot be regular thing.

plus, i have a million dishes to do, and I hate seeing them stack up, especially when i dont have very much time to do them. I have an oral exam for french tonight at 6, a 3 hour computer game to finish and write a paper on by tomorrow (which has to be printed out because teachers are now starting to refuse to accept anything by email), a doctors appointment wednesday at 1, and a final on thursday that covers like 8 chapters (not an exaggeration). not to mention work every night.

sigh.

“and it goes…”

i feel like i really just cannot get over….kany. i know ive been writing about him a lot lately, but i cant help it. i feel like it is a miracle or something. i feel like, again, how did i get so lucky. i mean, ive already talked about how i feel so lucky about my family and stuff, but its like, every time kany talks about “us” its just…unexplainable. and i guess mainly the way i feel is that i couldnt have even imagined being so in love with someone, and so happy, and we can literally never get enough of each other, like we really never get sick of each other. i always feard moving in with anyone, even like, my sister, or a really good friend. because, everyone knows that you never really ‘know’ someone until you move in with them, and chances are, it will break your relationship. and i cant help but recall the time a year or so ago when sharon called me out of the blue asking me if she got the internship (or clinicals or something like that, at the mayo–i guess there are only a couple of places for nuclear biochemistry…which i think is what sharon is studying, something similar at least…but anyways there are only a couple of places that they can do their clinicals, and the closest to ‘home’ which for sharon is really important, is the mayo–and so she called me and asked me if i wanted to get a place with her if she ‘got in’ to the clinincals at the mayo) and of course i said yes, that would be amazing. i feel really close to sharon on many levels even though at one time i did not…but one cannot help but wonder, or worry perhaps, at how it would affect our relationship moving in together. and that is the worry all the time, about moving in with anyone. and i just find it amazing that we (kany and i) can live together so easily. and be so in love. i love it though. its so unbelievably helpful having that like support all the time. always having someone to come home to..and i know i always have tori too, because she is an unbelieveable friend too, even though i dont always show her that, she really means SO much to me…the things that she says to me. she really is amazing. but you know, its different, a partner, a significant other…not to raise that significant other to a higher level than an amazing friend, but it really is..just different. apples and oranges. but always having someone so supportive and welcoming, and amazing to come home to, and sexy as hell, and its like all too good to be true i guess is what im getting at. i always told myself that, well, i guess the better way to put it is that ive always felt like there really was such a thing as true love, or a perfect partner or sorts, for everyone. and i even knew that i would just know when i found them. and even so i never thought it would happen. because i knew i would never just ’settle’ and so i thought it would be this exhaustive search…and thats why i always had to open my horizons and go other places so as to provide myself with opportunities to meet new people and whatever but holy shit, of all places, st. cloud is where i met him. i like, vowed to myself to have NOTHING to do with St Cloud State because i just had this bad sort of feeling about the place, and much of it had to do with the people from my high school who would go ther because they couldnt get in anywhere else and just the type of people that they were/are and that i never wanted anythign to do with them, ever…but how ironic. turns out, without that place, i would have never met him. Mahamadou Kane. wow. and like he said, the way it happend, its like, there has to be somethign. and i know i have a hard time believing in god, but there has to be something. something. it brought us together, and for no forseeable or apparent reason. life is fuckin amazing. but it sucks at the same time.

okay, i know a lot of this is rambling, but its how i do. stream of consciousness, baby. i just gotta get the thoughts out there. and so, what-ev. have it as you will. its how i do.

yeah…im just, not going to talk anymore. i fucking hate how i can never convey the right tone or whatever in my voice, or how i can never choose the right words to get out what i need to get out, or pretty much do anything right when it comes to talking…so im just going to talk less. damn it really sucks, but i hate getting these looks that i get and i hate confusing people and it just sucks. it all just sucks. and its actually really kind of depressing and makes me feel sad. “im really dumb…”

ive kind of had an epiphany last night. i think the reason why i love Freud so much is because of the highly subjective nature of his theories. Unfortuately, this is the same reason why current psychologists reject his theories: because they are not testable.

but fuck, they make so much sense!, who cares if theyre not testable.

and it also kind of makes me mad/sad to think that just because something is not empirically based, in our society it is automatically rejected. i am afraid that this preoccupation with objectivity is getting in the way of everything. especially if you think about society itself. society is allowing the scientists to completely reject subjectivity for the comfort zone of relying on ‘hard facts’, when imagine how different society would be if everyone were required to read freuds texts, say, in like high school. if everyone understood how everyone worked (which is basically what psychology is…why people do the things that they do, or act the way that they act), and analyzed events and happenings based on these understandings, everything would be so much smoother!

beautiful.