this year, my birthday was amazing. i have the greatest soldier ever, along with the greatest sisters ever, coupled with one of the greatest friends ever. first, trista calls me RIGHT at midnight to wish me a happy birthday, from south dakota even, she was staying there with her friend. then, melnalay came to to cities to visit me. and kany surprises me with a one hour full body massage! i didnt expect him to do anything special since he doesnt really have much money, but hes so sweet! and he even wanted to give one to melnalay too! but she doesnt really like that kind of thing, and she would have absolutely hated the massage oil that they use. so she didnt do it, but that was so nice of kany to plan one for her too! menomonie gave me Office Space on dvd! what an amazing gift…i even said like a couple of days before that there were only 3 dvds that i would ever want to have to complete my collection: Office Space, Dumb and Dumber and Anchorman. and then, Tori gave me Dumb and Dumber! we also played frisbee golf for the first time, and later, melanaly went to bed, and kany and i stayed up all night on the porch drinking champagne and eating strawberries and peaches talking until the sun came up, just us. it was amazing. absolutely amazing. i wasnt super hype about it at the time, mostly because it was SO incredibly hot out and humid and miserable, but i did have SO very much fun! for sure! and everyone was so thoughtful, it all meant SO much to me!

well, back home from rochester ny and recovered from being homesick and then working over the weekend as well. the overtime will definately be nice. gosh, i feel like ive been going non-stop for about 4 weeks now. working every weekend, final projects, finals, then training, and now i just wanna relax. a good game of billiards would definately hit the spot tonight, maybe ill see if someone wants to go…weird craving, playing pool, but i definately want to. and i want to rent movies sometime soon, i havent been watching movies much lately and i have a little list of the ones i want to see. i shall list them here, why not. Aeon Flux(first for a reason), Hostel, Wolf Creek, Proof, Stay, Derailed, Good Night and Good Luck (McCarthyism! hahaha damn communists), The Ice Harvest, and Domino. There are some chick flicks that I kinda want to see, but I have to be in the right mood to watch those, preferrably drunk. hahaa. yeeaaahhh. anyways, also some mario party sounds like fun to me, but no one ever wants to play that with me…haah and i always end up playing by myself, how lame am I…but i just do love that game ever so much. maybe ill ask tori or somethin.
haha that “ever so much” reminded me of how Kany and I have been talking lately. weve been using british accents and its sooo fun! “Tituation” hahahahhahahahah.

and off to volleyball tomorrow night. i do love the volleyball. I am also going to stay over night at mom and dad’s and have a little somethin for mom for her birthday and mothers day, just a special visit. and, hopefully ice cream cake.

and jessica and brandon brought up that theyre planning a trip to chicago this summer to see the king tut exhibit, and the warped tour is there that same weekend…that sounds like a lot of fun. the train tickets are only like $40, and if we all split a hotel, holy cripes man that would be so much fun. i love road trips! i think im going to go…..

wellp, thats all for now. PEACE yo

The air has been cleared, and I am SO happy. It was very hard, but definately worth it. “That’ll happen.”

Leaving for Rochester, NY Sunday afternoon for 5 days to train on the new Kodak NexPress 25oo. Jeff, Blair, and Rob are all going too, it should be pretty fun. I’ll really miss Kany, though. But hopefully Rob and I will develop some conspiracy to confuse the trainers (”Any questions?” “Yeah, what kind of tree is that out front?” “What is a paper?”) and get us kicked out of the hotel and crash the rental car. So, thats something to look forward to. Plus, theres a Lilac Festival in town that week…can’t go wrong there. I just wish I had a laptop to bring with, I dont know how that will work. If there isnt a public computer or something, I dont know how I’ll go without internet for 5 days. How sad… oh well, I suppose. I’m not going to lie, Im actually kind of excited. Plus, never been to NY before, so….cool, man.

Hahaha, I love how Rob keeps that note I left him when I gave him the dollar I owed him. Its actually a pretty fun note, and on the front It has some cool writing with his name (COLORMAN, he really is the master at matching color, superhero-like even) on the front, so it kind of looks like a name tag. And then on the inside (and i guess its also kind of an inside joke too…we used to look up phrases in urbandictionary.com and talk like that, and then we started making up slogans and nicknames in that talk too…haha before I came up with ColorMan one of them was Mokalla …Mo’ cola’ (color) fo’ yo dolla.) So in the inside of the note it says “Mo’ cola’ fo yo dolla’” and then I drew a stick figure with a cape and a caption that says “You and your color-changing cape. (No beard, it’s spring)” and then “Here is the dollar I owe you. PEACE, Gnomie” hahaha i love this letter….and its so funny that he has this yearly ritual that he grows a beard in the winter to “keep warm” and shaves it in the summer to “keep cool”. hahaha, I enjoy Rob, he has the same sense of humor as me, and reminds me a lot of my Dad. I love that.

You were the first person in my life that I couldn’t read. The first person that I couldnt just adapt to their thought and action patterns and be able to closely predict what they were thinking given certain things that they said or did. Ive always felt that I could do this easily with others, even if I might not have been right. and even if i shouldnt have. But with you, I couldnt. I couldnt even come close. I was lost. And maybe it was because I cared so much about what you thought or felt that I didnt want to try and then be wrong and have misunderstandings. And I dont know how that still happened, but I do know that my concept of ‘being lost’ has definately been redefined in so many ways…

You were also the first person in my life that I didn’t hold back my feelings for. You were the first person that made me feel so comfortable that I didnt have to hold anything back. You appreciated me the way I needed to be appreciated. You’ve given so much to me, thank you.

Sometimes I feel like it doesnt matter what I say or do, because its neither “right” or good enough…

So, I’m reading about existentialism for my personality psychology class, and man I am lovin it. It is interesting to say the least. It is actually what had gotten me interested in psychology and philosophy in the first place and plays a huge role in my own life. Most of all, I love the connection between psychology and philosophy that existentialism provides. Existentialism came about as a reaction against European rationalism, science, and the industrial revolution. The progression of these ideas and trends were thought to lose touch with human experience. And I absolutely agree. It is what Ive been saying all along, my whole life. People need to just stop. It can be described as simply being, or existing at a particular moment in time and space, but the key is: how does it feel? and what does it mean? Conscious experience is a basic mystery of life.

“We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are.” –The Talmud

Which is kind of ironic, because before I started reading up on this stuff, I was about to post a blog about something I wrote down recently: “You are not listening to what I am saying, you are hearing what you want to hear.”

And then theres this concept of forlornness. That nothing and no one–no God, no unquestionable set of “rules” or values–can guide your choices or let you off the hook for what you have decided. Your choices are yours, and yours alone. Even if there is a “God” to tell you what to do, you still need to decide whether or not to do what God says–and so are still alone in your choice. There is no escape from existential solitude; you are forlorn with your existential choices.

Theres also the concept of despair. That any aware person realizes that there are some important outcomes that they cannot hope to change, or even affect, such as death. “If you are honest in acknowledging this momentous and regrettable fact, then you also will feel despair at your in ability to change all aspects of the world. This inability only redoubles your responsibility to affect those aspects of the world that you can influence.”

You know, I think this has been my problem all along. I think that every time I have a problem or any kind of trouble, this is the underlying cause.

What do you do about these negative experiences? According to Jean-Paul Sartre, you face them directly. “It is a moral imperative to face the facts of your own mortality and the apparent meaninglessness of life, and to seek meaning for your existence nonetheless. This is your existential responsibility, which requires existential courage, or ‘optimistic toughness.’ On the other hand, there is a way out: simply avoid the topic and problem all together. Quit worrying about what life means, get a good job, buy a big car, and advance your social status. Do not try to think about fundamental issues for yourself. Instead, simply do as you are told by society, convention, your peer group, political propaganda, religious dogma, and advertising. Lead the unexamined life.”

Except, not only is that living a cowardly lie, it is immoral and amounts to selling your soul for comfort. “If you surrender your experience of self, you might as well not be alive. Existentially speaking, you might as well be a rock.” Even more, doing this, surrendering our choices to external authorities, is still a choice.

Maslow thought that just anyone could become a “fully functioning person living in authentic existence:” one that contains clear awareness of reality and of yourself, and perceives everything in the world accurately and without neurotic distortion, and takes responsibility for the choices made in life. Carl Rogers thought that if you havent had “unconditional positive regard” from the important people in your life, you cant be a “fully funtioning person.” (I do not think I believe this either. I think it definately helps, but i dont think it is a prerequisite) If you come to feel that other people value you only if you are smart, successful, attractive, or good, then you develop “conditions of worth.” These things limit your freedom to act and to think. If you believe that you are valuable only if certain things are true, then you will distort your perception of reality to believe that those things are true, even if they are not.

It all just makes so much sense to me….

I dont know what to say. I just dont.

I guess, right now, I just cant wait until 1 week from today is over, and the time between, because I need to stop being uptight, crabby, and most of all, busy, at least for awhile.

Why would one even attempt to defend themselves in a deceiving or false manner? I don’t know. Especially when the opposition is only going to try to find the holes in it in the first place? That is why I believe in always being true and honest. The best solid defense is that which cannot be countered. So, in a larger sense, outside of an arguement, why lie when somehow the truth is going to come out… Why not be true and say the truth all the time? Why lie? For the slim chance that they might get away with it? I dont believe that for a second. Even the “least” important matters, why not still just keep your “arguments” solid all the time?

This is the way I see it…..