R.I.P., man. You lived life to the fullest, and left us to find out the only thing that we cant know yet, and you did it how you would have wanted, on your stupid dirtbikes.

<3

I feel like everything presented to me lately is ‘loaded.’

I’ve learned about loaded questions in psychology and philosophy classes, and thats exactly what everything seems like. It seems like everything that is taught to me or said to me has presuppositions. For example, these assignments for my personality psych class piss me off. When they assign them, they have specific detailed responses in mind, and grade them based on whether or not you have included those specifics! WHAT THE FUCK is the point? Do the people that have to grade them really want to read the same fucking paper over and over again 180 times? And if so, why not say in the assignment (at least in this vague way) that they are looking for specifics? Especially since if there is other context involved, and we are amateurs, all of the specifics may not apply; there is much more room for error. The way I see it, is bringing up relevant points and being concise is the most important, not exhausting every specific detail about a topic, whether it has relevance to what you’re talking about or not. And in my African American Psychology class, when the professor was presenting data to us about income comparisons and crime rates…and racism, I feel like they are teaching me that these two are not mutually exclusive, which they are. And I think that is what should be taught–the neutral of the situation, or at the very least, both sides. What I mean is, they are saying that crime rates are so high because the police, and people that will report them are racist, or they target Blacks because ‘they commit more crime’. Well, then the other side will say that the ‘racist’ claims are justified because the statistics say Blacks commit more crime. Well, you cant have both, and you cant reverse the roles, because neither of those solves anything, and if anything both are contributing to racism itself..

So this is something new. For the first time, I went into a test being adequately prepared. That has definately never happened before.

A little bit of relief.

But Ive been thinking…you know ive decided I am the kind of person that really wants people to reach out to me. I mean, I will pry if I feel like it. But, the truth is, I dont like to just invite myself, or ask specific questions, because I feel like I am doing just that: imposing. I want to be invited, and I want people to be able to just open up without me having to pry.

Most of all, I just want people, in general, to be able to say what they feel and just say whatever they want, whenever they want, and not feel like they have to hold back. Dont hold back! Life is way too short.

Remember when I said that its going to be crazy for awhile?? Not only is this continuing, but it is being amplified.

Its just that I have four group projects and three individual projects due in the next two weeks. I had a test on Tuesday, and I have a test tomorrow. I also have quizzes on Monday and Tuesday and the following Wednesday. The test tomorrow covers 7 chapters. No, that was not a typo, SEVEN chapters. And this guy does not mess around. His philosophy for getting an “A”: memorize all seven of those chapters word for word. This same class accounts for 2 of those group projects and one of the individual projects.

And then three finals on May 8th.

My Grampa needs more support than ever right now, as he needs to become strong enough to be self sufficient within a couple of weeks.

Volleyball is starting soon, so I have to figure out the schedule (especially since there two new teams), update the rules, call all of the teams to tell them when they play, and hopefully find a sponsor for our team, hopefully by this weekend since it starts May 2. I also have to attend the clean up day, which is on April 29th at 9am.

I have -$.77 in my bank account, so I need to work as much as possible, all-consuming of my “spare time”.

And, now we have a new machine at work that I need to get trained on…

My parents are making me choose between going up to WayneFest and going on the family trip, over 4th of July. Great.

I have to return those shirts for Melanaly..its been like 2 months…they probly wont even accept them anymore.

Tristas flailing at me because she thinks ‘ever since college she feels like im lying to her”….

Ive been meaning to get to the dentist because I think I have 2 cavities.

Good thing I dont have a life anyways…and good thing Ive gotten it to the point where people dont even call me anymore……

I am too crabby for words man. Too crabby to do anything. Too crabby to function. But work: homework, job work. Good thing theres so much work and so much everything going on…

I dont care what you put in front of me, God, I’m going to overcome it. Keep trying.

Keep On.

In the Bible’s New Testament, Judas is portrayed as the quintessential traitor, accepting 30 pieces of silver to betray Jesus by identifying him to Roman soldiers. The biblical Gospel of St. Matthew says Judas quickly regretted his treachery, returned the silver and hanged himself.

The leather-bound copy of the Judas Gospel was written in Coptic script on both sides of 13 sheets of papyrus, and spent most of the past 1,700 years hidden in a cavern in the Egyptian desert, said Terry Garcia of the National Geographic Society.

Judas Iscariot, vilified as Christ’s betrayer, acted at Jesus’ request in turning him over to the authorities who crucified him, according to a 1,700-year-old copy of the “Gospel of Judas” unveiled on Thursday.

In an alternative view to traditional Christian teaching, the Judas gospel shows the reviled disciple as the only one in Jesus’ inner circle who understood his desire to shed his earthly body.

It is not known who wrote the Judas gospel. The copy unveiled on Thursday is of a document mentioned critically in the year 180 in a treatise called “Against Heresies,” written by Irenaeus, bishop of Lyon in what was then Roman Gaul. It spoke out against those whose views about Jesus differed from those of the mainstream Christian Church.

“The idea in this gospel is that Jesus, like all of us, is a trapped spirit, who is trapped in a material body,” Ehrman said. “And salvation comes when we escape the materiality of our existence…”

“The question becomes … does this tradition, this alternative story, if you like, in the gospel of Judas have a claim that in some sense is equal to the rival claim of the gospel tradition?” Senior said.

So, now what are Christians supposed to believe?

…(key word: supposed)

You know, I think its pretty obvious that lately I have been internalizing things a lot. But, at the same time, I think I’ve done this all along, just not as much. And I know its not because I think that I dont have anyone to talk to, because I do…but I know it IS because I feel like it is a burden on anyone else for them to know, or try to help me figure it out. You see, I have a really hard time externalizing some things. Because…I know that the way I think is very unlike the way that…well, anyone thinks. So for me to try to organize my thoughts so that someone else can understand them, truly is difficult for me.

So, I was thinking, and I think the reason why I internalize things is because I always assume the other person is not listening. Kind of like guilty-until-proven-innocent. And I dont like that, but.. I always pick up on little cues that seem like the other person is not listening, and just stop. So, if people give me a reason to think that they are not listening…obviously they dont want to listen. I hate trying to talk to someone that is not interested. Then, I think the reason why I assume the other person is not listening is because of my mom. I will never forget that time when I was having a conversation with her and having fun and I was so excited that we were finally bonding since we never really just “talked.” Well, in this conversation I was kind of being silly, but I kept repeating that my favorite color is brown. I know I said it at least thrice. Well, about 15 minutes later, I said, “Pop quiz, Mom, what’s my favorite color?” …………she couldn’t tell me. She couldnt answer that question.

I have difficulty saying things because theyre not listening anyways, and I would just end up figuring it out myself anyways…even if it just took me saying it outloud. So, now I dont even say it outloud, I skip to writing it and then still just figure it out myself.

But then, if I dont have time to write………………