i worried so much about having these standards for what i want, knowing that they were high, and well, ideal. i felt like i was living in a dream world. like everything i thought about the way things should be and/or the way i want things to turn out, was way too good to ever be true. but now i think that not having these standards is going to eliminate the possiblity of them ever coming true, for you are no longer striving for them.

i think its amazing knowing how beautiful life can be and knowing it is possible for you to live the way you want to live.
…or maybe that is just another part of my dream world.

but that is okay, i like my dream world. dreams rock.

haha tonight kany was trying to be ‘one-handed’ and then at the end we were eating cookies after he was done trying to be one handed, and he was like ‘ah yea, I am STILL one handed.’ and i looked down and i was like ‘yeah….ooooone-cookie-in-each-hand-ed.’

aaaaaaahahhahhahaa

aw man, i got a long ass paper cut underneath my fingernail today.. hurt like hell, still does. worst. place for a papercut. ever. owie ow ow ow ow ow.
owl.

peace, yo.

I had a bit of a scare over this weekend. So I went to the doctor on Friday about my nasty phlegm problem to see if the doctor also thought it was because of the house and mold…and before i could even finish telling him what was going on…he started feeling my neck. im like, uhh ok. and he goes “hm. take a seat up on the exam bench” and he backed up and looked at me and said “i want an ultrasound of that. Your thyroid gland is large. and especially on the right side” and then he was like “sit right there, I am going to have the nurse come back in and dont say anything to her” so he had her come in and all he said to her was “what do you see” and she looked at me and thought for a second (having no idea what she was supposed to be looking at) and she said “do you think shes a little full in the thyroid?” i was like oh god. and im thinking…ive seen this doctor how many times before, and he would have noticed this one of those other times, wouldnt he have? it must have just developed recently…oh no….

so, he said that it could be three things: a cyst, a tumor, or a thyroid disease.

so i went and had an ultrasound done that day and they drew blood and said they would call me on monday with the results. when they called, they confirmed that i just have “abnormally large thyroid glands.” and the blood test came back saying that everything was functioning correctly. whew, man. what a relief. the nurse told me that she even asked the doctor if i should have a 6 month or year follow up, just in case, and the doctor said no. frick, man! dont scare me like that!

…just sucks now that i am going to have a “fat” neck now….or, well, notice it more.

oh well, im over it.

peace, for real.

a better day today. i like coming to work. i really do. i have fun with these guys, and its great to laugh. I love laughing, for real. …except a wierd thing was said the other day at work. Scott made the comment as he, Rob and I were working on that AMS job, “God, sometimes I feel like I am married” and I am like ‘what the heck does that mean?’ and he goes “working with you”. haha so im like ‘well scott, I dont see a ring. I want some bling man’ and he just laughed. but wierd. i dont know. hes a blast. we just rip on each other all the time. its a fun time. it makes me feel witty. haha, i need to keep dreaming. but fun rocks, man. rocks. and senses of humor (sense of humors, senses of humors…?) rock my world. and kany rocks my world. and i just noticed that i have a lot of “drafts” that need to be posted. i hate that sometimes i dont have time to write or access to a computer to write. i know that there are at least three pieces of paper in my jacket and/or purse of things ive breifly written down to remember to write about in here. so many thoughts, man. and writing them down rocks. sometimes i even wonder what I am thinking! ha.

anyways, for my readers out there (all TWO of you haha, man i am classy) what are YOU thinking…?

stream of consciousness man, its the best kind of writing. try it!! someday ill turn my stream of consciousness babble into lyrics. ’tis one of my dreams. (yes i meant that to read “’tis”)

PEACE

so…sometimes i get abnormally emotional. like i cant understand it, it never has anything to do with the cycle or anything, and i can never trace it to like a current event or anything, but sometimes i just get super emotional. like i just feel like crying. sometimes just for nothing, and sometimes about something, but that something is usually not a big deal to where i would normally cry over. and at these times when i get this way, its like super intense emotionalnessness.

anyways, now is one of those times. like, just the other day, i was in the same situation as i am now, and its a great situation, and i was just LOVING it. like it seems too great to be true, thats how great. and its the same, even better, like its progressed to even greater over the weekend (especially new years) to be an even greater situation, but, god damn, what the fuck man. i can just tell that like if i was alone right now, i would just be sitting here, crying. thank you baby for not allowing me to be alone, but, that doesnt really make that feeling go away, it just suppresses it a little bit. and like….i know..i mean, i know that this is just a phase or whatever and a short one even, and that it will pass…i know that…but it just ahhhhhhh its still there and at points like this when i realize that its just been suppressed it comes full on right now. and i still have to suppress it…..damn

now i feel like i am crazy. like who thinks and/or writes stuff like this? but thats what i got right now, man.