So here I am thinking, “If there is nothing for me to do at work, why am I here?”

…and there she is thinking “I need to stay longer when there is nothing for me to do so I can get paid for doing nothing.” (well, actually she said it OUTLOUD to me)

heres my thought: what the fuck..?! how about dont be a jackass.

fuck, i guess that is why employers have to be such tight asses…because they have to deal with employees that do shit like this all the time.

Empathy is lost in the world. *sigh*

PEACE

dude, why do so many people gotta be homophobs? cripes.

PEACE

incredibly frustrating is knowing exactly what you want to do, but not being able to do it …because youre not smart enough.

i know that i want to get into the entrepeneurial management major, but im really scared that because of how shitty i am doing in some of my classes this semester, that my GPA wont be high enough to even be considered. fuck. all i need to do is try…and take the initiative to get around that stupid GPA limitation.

lately ive been letting busyness get the best of me, and i never wanted to do that. because letting these superficial things get the best of me suck the meaningfulness out of my life. i keep saying that i just want this semseter to be over with, but what a horrible thing to say. i really need to treasure the time i have. but what about those things that are important and meaningful to me…? how do i know if they are important enough to allow them to become a life-long goal. how do i know that they arent things that shouldnt be imporant. how do i know that. how do i know if its what i really want? wow. the thing that discourages me the most is, what if things that i believe to be important to me, that have to do with other people, arent as important to those other people as they are to me. wow, fear number 2. i am definately not fearless anymore. i have 2 recently discovered fears. so i take back the title of one who does not believe in fear. its just that fear is a little different for me. less intruding, id say, than it is for others. i dont let it get the best of me……

i all of a sudden feel sick, like i want to vomit, but not quite. and its all because of something that i saw that might be an inference to something that i could not handle being true. why do i always have to assume things? i do that and then worry about them even though there really is no basis behind my assumptions. it hurts…

i am not happy today. normally i can be happy no matter what, but not today. maybe the weather has something to do with it. its been cold and rainy all day (literally) and i couldnt go back to the house until after my very last class. so i was soaking wet from 945am-445pm, and that was miserable. or maybe i am not happy because i have issues, and ive officially realized these issues today. i dont know. i always thought that i was issue free, that i could figure my way through my issues, but as of right now…there are some things i have going on that i cant remedy, and that kills me inside. and im scared. ive never been scared like this before, and it makes me want to cry, even though crying is not the typical reaction to this type of scaredness. i just wish i could always just know..or maybe just not sit and dwell on stuff for no reason. i dont know. this is so preoccupying though. i really have a lot of work to do right now, but i literally cant keep my mind off of this, its so distracting and overcoming. maybe its because its really important to me and i dont want to admit it. and even if i try to admit it, it doesnt seem real enough to be admittable. i wish that i could talk about this with someone objectively, but its just extremely difficult and i dont know why. that ‘not-knowing’ is something that breaks me apart. even if i would have someone to talk objectively about it with, i dont even know what to say, or even if i did know what to say, i wouldnt know how to say it. that is a problem. one of those problems that i am unable to remedy right now. i have a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye, but i shouldnt. its those fucking assumptions. dude, i dont even know if its true and i am already reacting as if it is. what the fuck jessica.

i guess i would really like to apologize to anyone that ive let these issues get in the way and its been a problem for. i am seriously really sorry. im going to try really hard to get over it. its not an obvious thing though, not in the least, so its hard…to even know how its affected things, but i know it has, even in little ways, so im sorry. and to angie, because with you, it has in a not-so-small way before. god, this all seems so trivial. but its really not. to me, its not anyways. i know that to many looking back or if ever truly having insight as to whats going on, it wouldnt be a big deal at all. i know that. but, to me, its important, because i need to work at it, and i feel incredibly terrible that i havent noticed it before.

anyways, i miss talking to people about these things. it would be a lot nicer to be able to talk to someone about…life. its not that feel like i dont have someone that i could talk to about it, but i just feel like it would seem so ..bizarre ? to anyone else, that i wouldnt be able to get a serious opinion/advice from anyone. and it also seems premature to be talking about such things. i dont have much basis behind it all, its just impulsive feelings. but more than impulsive, id say…because its a true feeling…just a little impulsive. instead i just get stressed about about it….so much you can tell just by looking at my face…breakouts i mean. the freaken stress spots on my face. thats what they are, i only get them when things get like this, overwhelming. argh.

anyways, now that ive been incredibly long winded….and revealing, i must go.

PEACE

even when they’re wet, squirrels still have fluffy tails.

fuck i love squirrels.

PEACE

“I am addicted to heroine.
I feel the need to have sex with a woman that has saved somebody’s life.”

i remember falling off the couch once.

mashed potatoes are definately my favorite. mmm mmm mmm, here it goes down, down into my belly.

super bored is what i am, and kinda mad that i had to go into work today…i really need the hours, but i was super looking forward to just having a day off…and spending some quality time with my roommates today…and now tera has to work tonight at 5 (which is about when i will be getting done) so once again, dont get to spend time with her at all. aaaaaand angies leaving at about 5 to go to the seether audioslave concert, so wont get to spend time with her either. mm, great.

well turns out ive decided im going to be chillin at ben and jerrys for a while tonight with tera and travis. that will be fun…and then after they are done with work we are going to go up to the watch tower in prospect park and gaze. and then maybe watch some mitch hedberg. dude, im excited for this night, since this day is not so fun.

peace playas

okay, lately it seems like no matter what i say, they dont want to hear it. like it just goes in one ear and out the other. i dont know, it just makes me feel like i am annoying or something. maybe though its because lately ive been in my own little world with being so preoccupied with school….its hard this semester.. so maybe what i am saying to them just goes along with whatever I am thinking but not necessarily with the context of the conversation. either way, i dont like it. i still feel like i am annoying to them, but then too, why the fuck am i isolating myself? i know a lot of it has to do with school and work and stuff, so i am always gone and never get to hang out with them, and so i miss a lot of things, but still. this feelilng that i get of being annoying makes me not want to say anything at all, and then it gets worse.

why oh why do things have to work this way. that is why i hate non- and mis-communication. because whenever something is miscommunicated, people begin to think about it the wrong way and it builds up and builds up until something blows up and all for the wrong reason. the same for non-communication. if you dont say anything, its not going to get fixed. and then theres the fact that people automatically assume things if the right thing isnt said. and then that assumption builds up and builds up until something blows up and all for the wrong reason.
wow, now that ive finally written this down, ive realized how important this is to me. this is one of my main and most important …characteristics? i tell it like it is. and if i have a problem, i let you know that its a problem…because if you are not aware of the actual problem, or dont voice it to get it corrected in case it actually isnt a problem, how is it ever going to get fixed? i honestly wish that people were more ‘brutally honest’ like that. it elimates those non- and mis-communication problems by prevention. it works, man.

peace