i feel really lonely today. i do not know why…i mean, i dont really have a reason to be lonely….at all really. but i do. hm. lonliness sucks. kudos to all the lonleys out there.

peace

i feel…funny.

i dont know what it is. its not bad. its not distinct. its sort of a feeling like my mind feels chill but my body feels hyper or excited or something. i cant figure out what it is, but it is a wierd feeling.

and it makes me not be able to sleep….even though i am tired. me no likey.

my dad is very very sweet. he asked me today, in sincerity, how much weight i lost. i proceeded to laugh in his face. however, i do genuinely appreciate the compliment. i love my dad. so much.

peace

sometimes i wish it wasnt so hard for me to be able to show people who i really am. i know that if people really take the time and the chance to try to get to know me, they figure it out. but at the same time, i wish there was some way that i could constantly have my qualities on display, good and bad, because i really do like who i am. i guess the reason i say this is because i truly do feel that there are very few people that know almost everything about me…and that is not how i want it to be. i always say that i will let anyone know how i feel about them or any situation i am in or whatever: im not afraid to say what is on my mind. but then, sometimes i have a really hard time making sense outloud about what i really want to say, and that really really bothers me. so then, when it doesnt come out perfectly right, it skews the results. sometimes i think that is what my life is. but then, there have been times where i straight up tell people “i am one of the most trusting people you will ever know” (which i truly believe is true) but it is hard for them to just agree and believe me just like that. that is what i mean. i understand why they cannot just believe me just like that, but how can i prove it? that is the problem i have. and i dont understand. why can it be so incredibly clear in my head, but when it comes time to get it out for others to understand, it gets all jumbled. and then, by the time it takes for me to get everything out, it either doesnt make sense or the explanation is too long and you get lost. maybe thats because when i am thinking something, it is a result of so many other thought processes that all come together and make sense into one and i try to fill in the backgroud of those other points because i feel like it wouldnt make sense without that background, especially because usually those other thought process might be totally random and seem to have nothing to do with each other in the first place. but they do, to me, and i wish other people could see the connections too. plus, its really hard when you really want someone to open up to you, but you cant make them, they have to be willing. and then when you sit there and say things that dont make sense, they get discouraged. maybe im doomed. maybe im psycho.

but still getting no sleep.

i dont know why but i am finding it very hard to sleep soundly lately. i do not like it, and it makes me feel not awesome all the time. *sadface*

peace

i just got a paper cut from cardboard.

fucking ouch.

peace

i pretty much love the o.c.

oh, and i miss tera and eric and angie and the ’sma’s’…………….a lot.

what is my problem. okay, i know what it is, but how can i fix it?!?!

the problem is, there is not enough time in the world. why do we let time run our lives? i sincerely hope people understand how much i value the time i spend with them, despite the lack of it. what i mean is, i really do try to maximize the amount of time spent with everyone, but its simply too hard to balance it. ps this keyboard really really sucks. and then i feel sooo bad because i feel like the time i do spend with people isnt enough. take this weekend for example. i am just draining myself trying to be with everyone. so, i went to wisconsin dells with erich heidi alex kayla josh and kyle. we left of wednesday. well, first of all, i couldnt even drive with them because i couldnt get out of work early enough, so i had to drive the 4 hours by myself and i only got there at like 10 pm. that wasnt such a big deal because everyone was really cool with it, they were just happy that i came. and so was i…more than i can explain. but i felt SO bad that i didnt help setting everything up. and i also didnt bring anything, i asked heidi to go shopping and pick up the stuff i was supposed to brring and bring it for me. then, i had to leave early on friday because it was dads birthday and i promised him i would be home for it. they were planning on making steaks and stuff for dinner and then playing games and stuff with the family afterwards. well everyone wanted to go to another theme park on friday too. and obviously so did i since i love theme parks and the ones there are really fun. so we went, but i only stayed until 3. well then, i forgot that mandys graduation party was this weekend and that i promised her i would bring some of her friends from the cities home with me so that they could go to her grad party. so, i had to pick them up on the way home from wisconsin. well, that made me be even later getting home for dad. but i didnt mind, because i did promise her i would do it how long ago. well, when i finally got home for dad, it was 8, and everyone was sitting around the table cutting the ice cream cake and dad goes “oh, so you did come”. i was like, gee thanks. but i just said “im sooo sorry dad im sorry im late” and just kept apologizing. anyways after that it was fine i was just like pretending it didnt bother me like i always have to do with stuff my family says to me. and then we played some texas hold em, and it ended up being me and dad at the end and then dad won. so that was fun, but everyone went to bed at like 12, and i was still wide awake. so then i called kany because i havent seen him in like 2 weeks and he called me on wednesday night while i was in wisconsin wondering what i was up to because he really wanted me to come see him. and icouldnt talk to him then because i was on roam in wisconsin. so i called him and he said that they were partying at his placee because his roommate BK was leaving the next day to go to tanzania for a month and he told me i should come out. so i took a shower and went out there. well, when i got there they had all gone to the bars and kany isnt 21 yet so he couldnt go, so it was just me and him and this other guy that left right away. so it was kinda nice that it was just me and kany but at the same time i was sad because i couldnt say goodbye to BK. and then i knew i had to be back home before everyone got up, so i had to leave at like 6 i think it was. and kany did not want me to leave but i knew how mad mom and dad would have been if i wasnt home when they woke up. so when i got home,eddie was already at our house working on his derby car. (which im REALLY excited to go see him in the derby on the 30th!) but a little awkward considereing i was JUST getting home. anyways, so i slept until like 1:30 and then got up and went out on the boat with mom dad and neil and mandy. that was fun, i finally got to go tubing with them, but we have one of those big tubes and dad like makes you go withtwo people, so i had to go with mandy. it was actually really fun, i just like it better going alone. so then after that we got back and everyone got ready for the parade in richmond. i was pretty excited about that, but i felt bad that it meant that i would only be going to mandys after that, which seemed kinda late since the parade only started at 7. well THEN, i forgot about the fireworks. so i was like oh god what am i going to do. so right after the parade i still went to mandys but i could only stay for like a half hour in order to be back in time for the fireworks and i promised melanaly i would be back. well we watched the fireworks and then i did not know what to do. at the parade sharon crust and shawn told me to come to neils, i told mandy i would go back to her party after the fireworks, and kany wanted me to come see him since he was lonely with BK being gone. i hate that. so i knew that i had to go back to mandys no matter what because i had only been there for like a half hour. but i thought i could probably go to kanys or neils at like 12 or something. well, i stayed at mandys until 1 i think, and i tried calling kany, but i am sure he was asleep already and he did not answer. and then i was just REALLY tired so i just wanted to go to sleep. i was going to just show up at kanys so that i could have someone to cuddle with while i slept, but he does not have air conditioning and i did not because he didnt answer and my luck, the door would be locked and i wouldnt be able to get in anyways. so i went home because i was tired. and now i feel like shit because the choice i made seems pretty selfish. i pretty much hate feeling like i cant be there for everyone all the time. it makes me very sad, but i will keep trying.

peace

so, i had a really good conversation with one of my coworkers tonight, as well as on the forum i go to (thehideawayhouse.com) and i realized that religion truly fascinates me.

i believe that religion should be personal. take little bits and pieces, or large chunks even, from other reiligions or beliefs and fuse them together into your own. believing this also leads me to dislike the idea of organized religion. actually, i think it should be entirely done away with, but that is not plausible. the problem i have with organized religion is that rituals are abused. dont get me wrong, i do not think that rituals should be done away with, its just that the repitition and lack of emphasis on personal spirituality within the ritual allow the rituals to become mere habit. rituals ARE sacred, and should be treated as so…not performed on a regular basis simply as a sign of your ‘commitment’. to me, that is ‘the easy way out.’ and not only is it the easy way out, but you are missing out on the beauty of that personal spiritual feeling.
another problem i have with organized religion is…the lack of organization. i am technically a confirmed catholic, have attended 10 years of religion classes, yet, i have never read the bible, dont know all of the sacraments, couldnt even read off the 10 commandments, and continually asked questions the instructors couldnt answer. thats terrible. and i am definately NOT proud of that…except that i kept stumping the teachers…it helped me to first realize the joke that is that religion.
furthermore, organized religion is full of inconsistencies. one personal example: i attended two different parishes for religion classes….one parish instructor told me that if a catholic took the time out of their day specifically to ask God for forgiveness of a sin, that is the same as going to confession. however, at the other parish, the instructor said that its not good enough to do that. that you have to tell it to a priest. i asked why, and they couldnt give me a straight, legitimate answer.
also, what is the bible? reading the da vinci code really got me thinking…did it really originate from Constantine for political gain? whereas its amazing to me that some of the stories find relevance in historical fact, it was also a series of stories that had been passed on orally for quite a while. doesnt that make it folklore? what if that really is the truth, and so many people are following simply that: folklore…? that is why it fascinates me. that people can and need to find faith in anything and will put their entire lives into something like the bible, and without any form of certainty.

i believe most religions form their belief for a God around the fact that God gave us life, and the worship of him is an intense appreciation for that gift. well, if we appreciate God, then shouldnt we also appreciate the qualities and abilites He gave us. my co-worker said that certain christians do not believe reading certain material (i.e. science fiction, fantasy) is acceptable. shouldnt we appreciate the fact that God gave us the ability to create, read, acquire knowledge, and form opinions about that knowledge? doesnt that also mean that we should also appreciate homosexuals, for being homosexual is, after all, a quality assigned to some of us by God. or, if not appreciate it, at the very least accept it since it is Gods gift. how can anyone but god define what a ‘good’ quality or ability is? they are all gifts and should all be appreciated, for they are given to us for a reason.

i wish that i could write out everything that i continually wonder about religion so that i could pick it apart and try to figure it out…but this is what i got to thinking about tonight.

so, im really flaky lately and it really bothers me. i dont know why, but like i just keep forgetting things, which is really unlike me. i mean, i keep forgetting who i tell what to and i hate it. i almost feel like at this point there is no coherence in my life at all. not only does my whole housing situation for fall totally SUCK peanuts off of elephants toenails, but i am having such a problem keeping in touch with people. i guess the reason for that is the fact that i absolutely hate talking on the phone…its so impersonal, but i have to get my stupid ass to realize that its the only means of communication i have these days.

i really hate feeling like i cant please everyone. i know that my parents arent pleased with the fact that i am not spending enough time with them, but they really dont realize how hard i am trying. i hate that i feel like i am just using patrick and nancy for a place to stay…im really not, and i know that they love having me, but i just hate that i have so many commitments, because its really hard to keep track of it all. i love being at their house and i love being so close to the girls, and i love love love spending time with them because they are such incredibly wonderful people, but i also need to keep my commitment to volleyball, and i need to make money so that i can go to school, and especially NOW since rent is going to be higher, so that i can have a place to live for the school year. and i actually love going to work. and not only do i really hate that i cant spend as much time with my family, but i really hate that i cant spend as much time with my friends and my cousins. and then, because i want to try to spend time with people, i have to keep taking off of work and then i feel like i cant please them because i am taking so much time off. and i especially hate that me constantly thinking about this is distracting me from actually being able to figure this all out and is worsening my flakiness. its like a fucking endless cycle.

pretty much the worst feeling ever.

but then again, i couldnt IMAGINE going through life actually BEING flaky and not caring about who i am pleasing and who i am not. i just wish that there was some way i could tell everyone how i feel so that they can try to understand. but then again i feel like asking them to try to empathize with me is being incredibly selfish.

i wish that i could just send out a general memo apologizing to everyone.

pretty much the worst feeling ever.