*note, i was just scrolling through the ‘remembered’ objects for the subject line…and that was one of them. heh.

sooo….i really like this one.

a lil while back i wrote of a certain serendipity. and, well, it has stemmed to good things. i have been pursuing it ever since, and i am more than happy with…………..him.

so, ive been thinking and talking about this a lot recently. it truly is amazing how so many people can go through life taking so many things for granted…and especially: life itself.

what tipped this off for me this time, was i was driving home from work last week and it was about to storm and you could see the break in the clouds and the front of clouds in the sky and it was simply amazing to me. beautiful. i even swerved onto the shoulder a good 3 times during this moment. i honestly felt like i was floating. so many things raced through my mind at once, but what it all came down to is….i really wish people could have a greater appreciation….for life. honestly, people really just need to STOP. i mean, i understand how things get, especially this day and age, to get caught up in being busy and stuff. but you still need to just stop and take a moment to get back in touch. cuz i mean, once you loose that appreciation and that relationship with reality…everything is lost. i honestly dont understand how people can go through life taking everything for granted and not even think twice about it. as i was driving too another thing i noticed was that nearly every car i saw was either an expensive one, an SUV, or both. then i got to thinking that mostly the only people i see speeding are those that own these types of vehicles. SO, i got to thinking…why do people think they need to own such commodities? i mean, here i am in my 93 oldsmobile two tone car…and i feel such a sense of gratefulness that i even own something as nice as that. there is a difference, however. if someone truly appreciates cars and even go so far as to say they have a passion for them, thats different. but, it is that appreciation that matters. and not just these commodities…but life. life is so amazing and beautiful. do people not realize how excruciatingly WORSE things COULD be? do people not understand how incredibly lucky we are to be able to live the lives that we live, to be able to think and dream and imagine. i dont know… the worst part is…i feel like there is nothing i can really do about it. like i told kany…if there is one thing that i could ever wish to accomplish in my life that would mean the most to me…it would be to get just one person to go from that to this. to get them to realize (and most importantly, continue to be in constant realization of) how beautiful and truly exquisite life is.

that, for me, would be enough….but to be able to go even further than that…to realize (and again, be in constant realization of) who you are. to be so in touch with yourself, personally. it is the most fulfilling feeling. i think though that once you have one…the other is easily within reach.

so far, the only place i have seen such attitudes (personally, in my own reality), is my cousins. and Flaw:

A very temperamental process, beginning with
all of our excess
Affecting our very own ingest, this side of
you is speechless
Overwhelmed with an abscess, creating new diseases
And infecting whomever it pleases, we’ve been
living this way for too long, too long

Then I noticed a difference, in the way that I
saw other insects
Who were living a life of indulgence, sheltered
by their parents
Such an unlucky existence, not given a
chance to experience
And make their own decisions, I wouldn’t trade
my own mistakes at all

::Chorus::
Reach out your hands
Out for the ones who, aid when the going gets rough
Until the end.
These are the ones who, help when the times get tough
And times will get tough.
Get up again.
Times will get tough.
Get up again

Here it comes once again

Get Up Again
by Flaw

so wierd thing happened today. okay so there is this guy at work. id say hes about 28 or so and hes my ’scheduler’. well, ever since i first started working with him, i thought he was fun to work with. he even made the comment too ‘this summer is going to be great working with you, we can make fun of each other all day long. it will be the summer of bliss.’ which is exactly what we do, we make fun of each other all the time…and it IS fun. heh. anyways well today, i was telling him how worthless he was since he cant even do his job right (i have to always ask him what he means by what he writes on the job tickets because he is not always clear) and as he was changing some stuff on the job ticket (since he didnt fill it out right…again) i commented on how hard he pushes when he writes. and he said something, but i dont remember what. mostly because what he says doesnt really matter anyways. (heh, yep that is how we are to each other) and so im like ‘you know scott, there are many psychological implications to handwriting analysis’ and right away..no hesitation he goes ’so what does it mean im sexually frustrated? c’mon go ahead and just say it’ … i was like woah where did that come from (it really isnt want i meant) but i mean he was saying it jokingly anyways so he wasnt defensive or anything. but still, i found it strange that he would say that to me. to ME. …eehh? eeehhhhh? (haha probly not im sure he thinks im just a little kid anyways) but hah. and then later on as he was asking ME if he could go home…haha….i was like so what are you going to do tonight (because he always talks about how he has no life…) and he goes ‘im going to go hit some golf balls’ and then he kinda just sits there as if hes going to say something more but at the same time waiting for me to respond. and obviously i have this smirk on my face because i know exactly whats coming so i go ‘and be sexually frustrated?’ ….haha. he laughed too and was like ‘yep ill probly be doing some of that too..’ needless to say, it was a funny day today.

oh god. and ill never forget the time one of the salesmen, Brian, came back to the iGen room and Rob was back there with me. Rob had never met Brian, and I barely had too, but a few times. anyways, he wanted me to print something on this type of paper so that he could show a customer what it would look like. well while we were waiting for it to print, he sees that there are these lights that light up on the different feeders, they light up depending upon which feeder the paper is feeding from. well hes like up to the like feeling it trying to figure out if it is a button or what it is. (and he knew it was for the feeders because he watched me load the paper) so he asks. and me and rob are standing there watching him. “is this a button?” and Rob looks at me and goes “why yes, it is” so Brian is like..”well what is it for” WITHOUT HESITATION and very matter of factly Rob goes “oh, its for the sprinklers.” and points up. Brian double takes (thouroughly confused, yet mildly convinced): “What?” i just laughed and walked away. HILARIOUS.

work can be fun.

peace

so, ever since i started looking at colleges, i knew that i had to be far away from ‘home’. but now that i am away from my friends and family so much, its getting hard. and…im not even that far away. i still see people every week or so. but i still think about it all the time. just last night i finally got to TALK to heidi like we used to talk. i miss that. i am going to miss out on so much of that this summer too i know i will and i hate that. but at the same time, i know how important it is to be away. but its so hard to be away. i know that i always am the one to tell others ‘you need to get your priorities straight’ but ive never been in the position to be told that. granted, no one actually knows me enough, or looks close enough, to realize that my priorities arent straight right now, but its fine because ive realized it on my own. okay, i lied. its not REALLY fine, but i have to accept that it is because i cant make others care about me as much as i care about them. i honestly wish people realized how much i really do think about them….and care about them. i could list off so many people that i think about on a regular basis (the most spread out being: daily) and if anyone is reading this right now and is doubting that fact, you are wrong. and if you are reading this right now and even have the idea that there might be a super slight chance that one of those people is you, youre right. not probably; for sure. i wish there was some way that i could express how much i really care for people in a way that they could ever understand the immensity of it. the hardest thing is…..i dont know what i care about the Most. i cant choose what i love more than anything else. i simply cant do it. i guess maybe in a way i have in the choices that ive made to get me where i am right now. the thing is, i dont necessarily second guess much less regret any of the choices that ive made because i know that for where i could be, i like where i am. but the problem is, i cannot stay content with that for much longer. and even more of a problem: i dont know what i truly want after this. and part of that comes with time, i know. but sometimes i just wish that there was some way i could just know. i mean, ive realized so much about my life, and life in general, so much in fact that i feel as though im in a constant state of realization. like, i always know both sides. but then i wonder why i can never know about the future. if i think about it as much as i do, then why havent i come to some sort of consensus. ive considered the means and the ends in so many different speculations, but have never connected anything. is it because there is truly no way of knowing because there is so much chance and there is no such thing as fate. or is it just the opposite. is it because it doesnt matter; its going to happen no matter what. why dont i know. why cant it be proven either way. i guess thats the beauty about the human race. there is so much belief involved. and connection with the intangible.

i. dont. know.
peace