yeah…i went home last night to play some vball against the psycho axe murderer team with the crazy woman who spikes it in your face and so i stayed over night at home. well we brought the futon home and set it up in melanalys room so i have a place to sleep at home instead of on the floor. well for some reason this morning when i woke up, i had no idea where i was for a second. that has NEVER happened to me before. ive always heard other people say that its happened to them, but i had never experienced it. AND, i was at home! double you tee fuck everybody. i didnt even drink the night before or anything either. it was crazy.

brushing your teeth is wierd.

every time i am brushing my teeth i think of a skull. because if you think about it, that is really what you are doing…brushing bones. i dont know, its wierd but when i am brushing i think of it as brushing a skull.

ps i think i have a cavity. sadface.

so, im still trying to decipher whether or not saturday night and sunday was a dream. first of all, can i just say how wierd it is how everything played out the way it did. so sherry called me friday night, which was awesome cuz i love sherry and i love when she calls me, and i couldnt do anything with her friday because i was still in maple grove and i was helping patrick put up shelves downstairs. well, i knew i was heading back the next day after samantha and rachels party to go to solutionthirteens show at the Java Joint. well i told sherry that and that i would for sure call her when i got into town. so i did, and i told her how much i really wanted to hang out with her. and i get to JJ and crust and josh and sharon and jen and those guys were all there (yeah, melanly and laurie didnt even go…melany couldnt because she cant take her car and jake doesnt have any money to fill up his tank, and laurie i guess couldnt because her mom said no but she was still at brians…anyways) and then i met heidi and erich there too. well they said adam was having people over and i love going to adams because its always really fun and i knew he would be having a bonfire and i love those and so i really wanted to go and then crust and shawn kept saying how much they wanted me to come with them to josh and crusts because i guess they were having people over there…so i obviously wanted to go to that too cuz its the cousins and i miss them. well….i decided to keep my word with sherry because thats important to me. well i get to sherrys tentative apartment and anne was still there! i knew she was there the night before but i didnt know she still was, so that was really exciting. and there were also a few other people there, like the perfect amount because i always love smaller get togethers. well the guy that was there got a call about a party so we decided to go to that. we got there and i decided i really wanted to play fuck the dealer. then i saw these two guys walk in, and they introduced themselves (kany and b. k.) and i from the minute i saw them i just could not keep my eyes off of one of them (kany). i have no idea why, but i just kept staring at his eyes. well…he was doing the same thing. it was the weirdest thing, i have never had a connection like that with anyone before. and then, we both just had the same idea and all of a sudden we were back in this corner and he just kissed me. like one of those ‘i couldnt WAIT to do that’ kind of kisses. and then we started walking and he lived really close so we went back to his place and i had the most amazing time. we talked so much. we spent the whole night and the whole day on sunday together. i have never met anyone who likes to talk about the same things i do. there was even one point when it got quiet for a little bit and i just started thinking ‘hmm i wonder what hes thinking about’ when all of a sudden he asks ME “what are you thinking about” and so i responded ‘i was actually thinking about asking you what you were thinking about’ and hes just so beautiful, everything about him fascinates me. he took me to subway and then we walked like 10 blocks just to rent movies and he kept touching my hair and holding my hand and he just did everything perfect and i wanted to stay with him all night again, but i felt SO bad that i ditched sherry and she even called me at like 1030 that morning and said she was making spaghetti for lunch and said i could come have some if i wanted and i told her ’soon’ and then before i knew it, it was like 7 o clock and she called again and was like well im making hamburger gravy for dinner if you want some and i just loved the fact that she kept calling and so i couldnt just leave her hanging. so i said i would come after the first movie. but i felt so bad cuz kenny rented 2 movies for us and i didnt want to leave him…and then the people hes moving in with at the end of the month came and wanted to talk about paint and so it took that much longer and we couldnt even finish the first movie. and it was ‘in good company’ and i wanted to see that REAL bad and so i was sad either way and i dont even know why im writing all of this because no one is going to read this anyways and i dont even know if want anyone to read this so if you are reading this dont ask me about it because i wont know what to say to you. but i called sherry at about the time the movie would have been over because i didnt want to make any more excuses (even though it was a good one! i really wanted to finish the movie but couldnt because they came over and stayed a while). but yeah. it felt like a dream. i still dont know if its for real or not. what i know about this guy is everything that ive ever been looking for in a guy but never thought id find. or at least for a long time. but i cant say that its perfect yet because i dont know everything about him and he doesnt know everything about me. but i really just want to be with him again. right now. and find out.

i absolutely love this band. their concert on wednesday was AMAZING too.

“Colors”

Can you feel it crush you does it seem to bring the worst in you out
There’s no running away from these things that hold you down
Do they compicate you because they make you feel like this
of all the colors that you’ve shine this is surely not your best
But you should know these colors that you’re shining are

Surely not the best colors that you shine

I know you feel alone yeah and no one else can figure you out
But don’t you ever turn away from the ones that help you down
Well they’d love to save you don’t you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you’ve shined are surely not your style

I know you’re feeling like you’re lost you’ve drifted way to far
But you should know these colors you’re shinig are surely not the best

“Deep End”

I built my life like my bike on a rigid frame
So nothing bends it only breaks into pieces and pieces
I waited for hope to arrive but it never came
Leaving me with only pain inside
I’m going off the deep end

Holding on is harder than it seems
When you’re reaching for so much more
Seems so much easier to just give in
When you’re reaching for so much more

Another wasted Saturday so here I stay
Where nothing seems to ever change anyway hey
All this hype about life bein’ great
Where’s the love for me these days
I’m goin off the deep end

“No Giving Up”

So you found out today your life’s not the same
Not quite as perfect as it was yesterday but
When you were just getting in the groove
Now you’re faced with something new
And I know it hurts and I know you feel torn
But you never gave up this easily before
So why do you choose today to give it all away

Well it’s not so bad y’all
Together we all fall
Just as long we get up we’ll stand tall
We shouldn’t waste another day
Thinking ’bout the things that we forgot to say

I’m hittin’ back y’all
Kickin’ these four walls
Just as hard as I can til I can’t crawl
I won’t waste another day
With all these silly things
Swimmin’ in my brain

[Chorus]
There’s no giving up now
Do you really want to give this all away
Can’t you ever see things in a different way
Somedays
No giving up now
Such a beautiful thing to throw away
You should think things through
Over and over again
All over again

So your scars fade away
You soaked up the pain
A better person ’cause you lived through those days
And now you know what it’s like to prove
You can overcome anything that gets to you
Well it’s alright
We’re sayin’ our goodbyes
To the past and everything that ain’t right
We won’t waste another day
With all these silly things in our way

[Chorus]

I know we have given
All that we can give
When there’s nothing to lean on
Well, I remember this
All we make of this lifetime
Is always here within
And remembering that’s why
We should never give in

[Chorus]

There’s no giving up now

CROSSFADE LYRICS

“Dead Skin”

So I’m the king of all these things of this mess I have made
Such a waste what a shame my whole life is a fake
Well I’m a bore and I’m sure I’m a thorn inside of you that has torn at you for years
The alcohol the demerol these things never could replace
What a minute with you could do to put a smile on my face
I’m a bore and I’m sure I’m a thorn inside of you that has torn at me for years
I can’t get out of this dead skin I can’t shed my skin
I’m not sure where to begin why can’t I begin again
I can’t get under my dead skin I can’t shed my skin
Can I sllep ’til then

Phenobarbitol and alocohol these two surely will do
To knock me out keep me down at least a day or two
When I’m awake I can taste how bitter I’ve become
And it’s more than I can bear somedays I pray someone will blow me away
Make it quick but let it burn so I can feel my life fade
Well I’m a waste and I can taste how bitter I’ve become
And it’s more than I can bear
I can’t shed my skin
I can’t shed my skin

Celebra hoy aunque el Cinco de Mayo fue ayer.

Una razon de celebrar! Beban cervezas!

the system of a down concert was AMAZING. it was definately one of the most amazing concerts ive ever been to. oh god.

angie and i were SO lucky to win those tickets. and on the last possible day too, yesterday.

amazing.

peace.

honestly, as stupid and cliche as this may seem to be talking about this, it honestly plagues me.

what is love? for real. does the fact that i dont know mean that ive never been? can you be in love and not offically know it? how do you know if these incredibly strong feelings that you have towards a person mean love or not? especially if you dont even totally know the person. how do you know if it is love or something else? will you just know it or does it take conditioning? is conditioning even the right word? if it is something else, how do you even know what the something else is?

okay i obviously have someone in mind. i dont talk to him or hang out with him all that often, but every time im around him i cant stop thinking about him. i constantly wonder what hes thinking. when im not around him, so many things remind me of him. even road signs like “vandalia street”.

i would honestly like some feedback on this subject because like i said, it truly does plague me.