i dont know what is wrong with me lately. i dont know if i am just creating these views of whats going on, or if it is really whats going on (as others would also view it) i mean, i know everyone has very different perspectives, on well, everything…but i think there are trends. trends in the sense that others pick up the same “clues” on what is going on, and develop similar views.

i guess what i am getting at, is that i really really really hate feeling like i cant do anything right. in fact, id rather have the complete shit kicked out of me than feel this way. that would hurt much less. its like no matter how hard i try, or no matter how much effort i put into over-trying to do well or to please, it seems like somehow the reactions are completely adverse. so maybe thats it, maybe i am just trying too hard. but these things that im trying so hard at, are really really important to me. and if the case is: that the reason the reactions are adverse is because they are not important to others involved, as they are to me, then that really really hurts. i think im really sensitive. especially about things that are important to me. but i do think, and ive said this (similarly, here), that i prioritize a lot of things. especially people. but i want to. and really really do care A LOT about all of the things that I prioritize, maybe more than others realize or can understand. and i really really feel bad when i feel that those things that are important maybe dont feel that importance, or if those things may react towards me in an unfavorable manner, so forth. i just wish that i could somehow get some feedback. that would really help, a lot.

and ive found myself saying “I cant…” a lot lately. and thats it…just “I cant…” with nothing following. I dont know what I cant…do or whatever, but i guess i just think this fits here.

and i feel like i need to constantly apologize. but i dont know what for. but i really am so sorry.

oh my gosh, and kany has been working his ass off arranging our room, and hes done such an amazingly wonderful job. its so clean and organized and put together, and decorated. i love it, im so grateful…but ive done nothing to help him. god, i suck.
i really cant get over how incredibly amazing he is. i am surprised by him every day, and he teaches me so much, especially about myself. ive never had anyone thats actually not been afraid to confront me about things, and even risking pissing me off. and sometimes it does piss me off, but in the end, i still love it. like earlier today when he said straight up what i was doing, he was exactly right, i was way out of line, i should have never acted that way, and i cant believe i was, im still so sorry about that … i love learning, especially about myself from a different point of view. so. much. and confronting is so much better than not, than like holding it in and not at least saying it out loud to sort through it all. i just have found that even if youre not saying it to someone, just simply saying it out loud (or for me, writing it down), helps you decide whether or not it makes sense. or if theres something else that youre missing and should be considering.

but yeah, back to the feedback part. really, if youre reading this: feed. back. and not just to this post. as much as possible. log in anonymously or something. something.