what is my problem. okay, i know what it is, but how can i fix it?!?!

the problem is, there is not enough time in the world. why do we let time run our lives? i sincerely hope people understand how much i value the time i spend with them, despite the lack of it. what i mean is, i really do try to maximize the amount of time spent with everyone, but its simply too hard to balance it. ps this keyboard really really sucks. and then i feel sooo bad because i feel like the time i do spend with people isnt enough. take this weekend for example. i am just draining myself trying to be with everyone. so, i went to wisconsin dells with erich heidi alex kayla josh and kyle. we left of wednesday. well, first of all, i couldnt even drive with them because i couldnt get out of work early enough, so i had to drive the 4 hours by myself and i only got there at like 10 pm. that wasnt such a big deal because everyone was really cool with it, they were just happy that i came. and so was i…more than i can explain. but i felt SO bad that i didnt help setting everything up. and i also didnt bring anything, i asked heidi to go shopping and pick up the stuff i was supposed to brring and bring it for me. then, i had to leave early on friday because it was dads birthday and i promised him i would be home for it. they were planning on making steaks and stuff for dinner and then playing games and stuff with the family afterwards. well everyone wanted to go to another theme park on friday too. and obviously so did i since i love theme parks and the ones there are really fun. so we went, but i only stayed until 3. well then, i forgot that mandys graduation party was this weekend and that i promised her i would bring some of her friends from the cities home with me so that they could go to her grad party. so, i had to pick them up on the way home from wisconsin. well, that made me be even later getting home for dad. but i didnt mind, because i did promise her i would do it how long ago. well, when i finally got home for dad, it was 8, and everyone was sitting around the table cutting the ice cream cake and dad goes “oh, so you did come”. i was like, gee thanks. but i just said “im sooo sorry dad im sorry im late” and just kept apologizing. anyways after that it was fine i was just like pretending it didnt bother me like i always have to do with stuff my family says to me. and then we played some texas hold em, and it ended up being me and dad at the end and then dad won. so that was fun, but everyone went to bed at like 12, and i was still wide awake. so then i called kany because i havent seen him in like 2 weeks and he called me on wednesday night while i was in wisconsin wondering what i was up to because he really wanted me to come see him. and icouldnt talk to him then because i was on roam in wisconsin. so i called him and he said that they were partying at his placee because his roommate BK was leaving the next day to go to tanzania for a month and he told me i should come out. so i took a shower and went out there. well, when i got there they had all gone to the bars and kany isnt 21 yet so he couldnt go, so it was just me and him and this other guy that left right away. so it was kinda nice that it was just me and kany but at the same time i was sad because i couldnt say goodbye to BK. and then i knew i had to be back home before everyone got up, so i had to leave at like 6 i think it was. and kany did not want me to leave but i knew how mad mom and dad would have been if i wasnt home when they woke up. so when i got home,eddie was already at our house working on his derby car. (which im REALLY excited to go see him in the derby on the 30th!) but a little awkward considereing i was JUST getting home. anyways, so i slept until like 1:30 and then got up and went out on the boat with mom dad and neil and mandy. that was fun, i finally got to go tubing with them, but we have one of those big tubes and dad like makes you go withtwo people, so i had to go with mandy. it was actually really fun, i just like it better going alone. so then after that we got back and everyone got ready for the parade in richmond. i was pretty excited about that, but i felt bad that it meant that i would only be going to mandys after that, which seemed kinda late since the parade only started at 7. well THEN, i forgot about the fireworks. so i was like oh god what am i going to do. so right after the parade i still went to mandys but i could only stay for like a half hour in order to be back in time for the fireworks and i promised melanaly i would be back. well we watched the fireworks and then i did not know what to do. at the parade sharon crust and shawn told me to come to neils, i told mandy i would go back to her party after the fireworks, and kany wanted me to come see him since he was lonely with BK being gone. i hate that. so i knew that i had to go back to mandys no matter what because i had only been there for like a half hour. but i thought i could probably go to kanys or neils at like 12 or something. well, i stayed at mandys until 1 i think, and i tried calling kany, but i am sure he was asleep already and he did not answer. and then i was just REALLY tired so i just wanted to go to sleep. i was going to just show up at kanys so that i could have someone to cuddle with while i slept, but he does not have air conditioning and i did not because he didnt answer and my luck, the door would be locked and i wouldnt be able to get in anyways. so i went home because i was tired. and now i feel like shit because the choice i made seems pretty selfish. i pretty much hate feeling like i cant be there for everyone all the time. it makes me very sad, but i will keep trying.

peace