so, im really flaky lately and it really bothers me. i dont know why, but like i just keep forgetting things, which is really unlike me. i mean, i keep forgetting who i tell what to and i hate it. i almost feel like at this point there is no coherence in my life at all. not only does my whole housing situation for fall totally SUCK peanuts off of elephants toenails, but i am having such a problem keeping in touch with people. i guess the reason for that is the fact that i absolutely hate talking on the phone…its so impersonal, but i have to get my stupid ass to realize that its the only means of communication i have these days.

i really hate feeling like i cant please everyone. i know that my parents arent pleased with the fact that i am not spending enough time with them, but they really dont realize how hard i am trying. i hate that i feel like i am just using patrick and nancy for a place to stay…im really not, and i know that they love having me, but i just hate that i have so many commitments, because its really hard to keep track of it all. i love being at their house and i love being so close to the girls, and i love love love spending time with them because they are such incredibly wonderful people, but i also need to keep my commitment to volleyball, and i need to make money so that i can go to school, and especially NOW since rent is going to be higher, so that i can have a place to live for the school year. and i actually love going to work. and not only do i really hate that i cant spend as much time with my family, but i really hate that i cant spend as much time with my friends and my cousins. and then, because i want to try to spend time with people, i have to keep taking off of work and then i feel like i cant please them because i am taking so much time off. and i especially hate that me constantly thinking about this is distracting me from actually being able to figure this all out and is worsening my flakiness. its like a fucking endless cycle.

pretty much the worst feeling ever.

but then again, i couldnt IMAGINE going through life actually BEING flaky and not caring about who i am pleasing and who i am not. i just wish that there was some way i could tell everyone how i feel so that they can try to understand. but then again i feel like asking them to try to empathize with me is being incredibly selfish.

i wish that i could just send out a general memo apologizing to everyone.

pretty much the worst feeling ever.