so, ever since i started looking at colleges, i knew that i had to be far away from ‘home’. but now that i am away from my friends and family so much, its getting hard. and…im not even that far away. i still see people every week or so. but i still think about it all the time. just last night i finally got to TALK to heidi like we used to talk. i miss that. i am going to miss out on so much of that this summer too i know i will and i hate that. but at the same time, i know how important it is to be away. but its so hard to be away. i know that i always am the one to tell others ‘you need to get your priorities straight’ but ive never been in the position to be told that. granted, no one actually knows me enough, or looks close enough, to realize that my priorities arent straight right now, but its fine because ive realized it on my own. okay, i lied. its not REALLY fine, but i have to accept that it is because i cant make others care about me as much as i care about them. i honestly wish people realized how much i really do think about them….and care about them. i could list off so many people that i think about on a regular basis (the most spread out being: daily) and if anyone is reading this right now and is doubting that fact, you are wrong. and if you are reading this right now and even have the idea that there might be a super slight chance that one of those people is you, youre right. not probably; for sure. i wish there was some way that i could express how much i really care for people in a way that they could ever understand the immensity of it. the hardest thing is…..i dont know what i care about the Most. i cant choose what i love more than anything else. i simply cant do it. i guess maybe in a way i have in the choices that ive made to get me where i am right now. the thing is, i dont necessarily second guess much less regret any of the choices that ive made because i know that for where i could be, i like where i am. but the problem is, i cannot stay content with that for much longer. and even more of a problem: i dont know what i truly want after this. and part of that comes with time, i know. but sometimes i just wish that there was some way i could just know. i mean, ive realized so much about my life, and life in general, so much in fact that i feel as though im in a constant state of realization. like, i always know both sides. but then i wonder why i can never know about the future. if i think about it as much as i do, then why havent i come to some sort of consensus. ive considered the means and the ends in so many different speculations, but have never connected anything. is it because there is truly no way of knowing because there is so much chance and there is no such thing as fate. or is it just the opposite. is it because it doesnt matter; its going to happen no matter what. why dont i know. why cant it be proven either way. i guess thats the beauty about the human race. there is so much belief involved. and connection with the intangible.

i. dont. know.
peace