You know, I think its pretty obvious that lately I have been internalizing things a lot. But, at the same time, I think I’ve done this all along, just not as much. And I know its not because I think that I dont have anyone to talk to, because I do…but I know it IS because I feel like it is a burden on anyone else for them to know, or try to help me figure it out. You see, I have a really hard time externalizing some things. Because…I know that the way I think is very unlike the way that…well, anyone thinks. So for me to try to organize my thoughts so that someone else can understand them, truly is difficult for me.

So, I was thinking, and I think the reason why I internalize things is because I always assume the other person is not listening. Kind of like guilty-until-proven-innocent. And I dont like that, but.. I always pick up on little cues that seem like the other person is not listening, and just stop. So, if people give me a reason to think that they are not listening…obviously they dont want to listen. I hate trying to talk to someone that is not interested. Then, I think the reason why I assume the other person is not listening is because of my mom. I will never forget that time when I was having a conversation with her and having fun and I was so excited that we were finally bonding since we never really just “talked.” Well, in this conversation I was kind of being silly, but I kept repeating that my favorite color is brown. I know I said it at least thrice. Well, about 15 minutes later, I said, “Pop quiz, Mom, what’s my favorite color?” …………she couldn’t tell me. She couldnt answer that question.

I have difficulty saying things because theyre not listening anyways, and I would just end up figuring it out myself anyways…even if it just took me saying it outloud. So, now I dont even say it outloud, I skip to writing it and then still just figure it out myself.

But then, if I dont have time to write………………