I’ve been a total ghost lately. The thing is, I’ve been crying a lot. This whole situation with our house, and Angie and Tera and I trying to get off of the lease has been a total mess. It has left me feeling excluded and alone. I feel like I am doing a lot of work (using all of the resources possible, researching laws, talking to the legal services on campus, going to the doctor three times (which I have to go all the way back to St. Cloud for) to try to get a doctors note, finding a mold expert, looking for other apartments, and trying to find subleasers in case none of the other stuff worked.), and not only have I not even gotten a thank you for it, much less an acknowledgement, but Angie and Tera make it seem like I dont even want to try to get out. I dont know, and because of all that they barely talked to me anymore. they acted like, i dont know, like they were holding SOMETHIGN against me, i dont know, i dont understand it still.. especially because i considered them as two of my best friends, and now it seems like all they consider me as is simply a roommate. Two weekends ago they decided to make a whole bunch of jello shots and so I had melanaly and Kany over too. Well, neither of them even said one word to Melanaly or Kany. Kany wouldnt even go out to dinner with all of us. and then, (well i guess actually angie did say one thing to melanaly) while we were at dinner she asked when she was going home. they didnt even feel welcome in my house. I dont understand.

And then, I didn’t want to talk about it to anyone because as soon as I’d try, I would start to choke up and I hate crying when I am trying to talk to someone. I hate anyone seeing me like that. Now, I am crying because I’ve realized what a terrible friend and family member I’ve been. It was so stupid for me to try and figure it all about by myself, because not only has it made it a lot harder for me now that it has all built up, but I should have known that there are so many people that were just a phonecall or a quick drive away. But I did not want be a blubbering fool when I try to talk to anyone.

And then two weeks ago, I was sick for a whole week with a sinus infection, ear infection, and bronchitis all at the same time. That hurt.

All of this DWI business has gotten me all worked up too. after it happened and kany was talking about getting a lawyer and then after he went to talk to one, he made it sound like he was just going to pick up and leave to get out of this state so that it wouldnt follow him. i got scared and started crying but i misunderstood him. and then he said that he would never leave me behind. but he feels so bad about driving that night and he feels like hes caused all this trouble. i dont want him to feel so bad about it. especially because now hes probably really afraid to meet my parents. At least it sounds like in my case I can get out of it…but I still worry about it happening to Kany.

And, mom was at the Mayo Clinic thursday and friday last week and monday tuesday and wednesday the week before that. she has always had problems with her stomach and acid reflux and heartburn and stuff like that so she was trying to see if they could figure something out. but
i only heard about the fact that she was going there like a day or two before she was supposed to go so i got worried.

And then last week my Grampsies had to go to the hospital for congestive heart failure and hes been there all week. i went to visit him on saturday, and brought him his favorite candy bars that he cant find anywhere but like washington state and oregon. i was really excited to give those to him. but then he got pneumonia too and i got real scared because last time he was in the hospital they werent sure if he could make it through another pneumonia. hes doing well though, surprisingly well. so thats really good. it just really sucks because i can tell just by how he looks at me that he knows he should have listened to me and stop smoking. but he probably still wont.

And now this weekend after those guys moved out and i moved all my stuff around, i actually kind of wanted to stay in this room until the summer. I just really dont want to have to commute to school every day. Well, ive already found someone to sublease that is moving in like today or tomorrow (so soon, so i cant tell them no). So, then i was thinking that since angie and tera told eric (tera’s ex boyfriend who was supposed to move in with us from the beginning and is still on the lease) to start paying rent in february and he was supposed to move in in february. so i was thinking that if he didnt want to move in, that i could stay until may and then he could either move in then or it would give him plenty of time to find someone to sublease for the summer. well i called him today and he actually does want to move in. so now i dont know what i am going to do. i dont want to move in with patrick and nancy because its so far away and i would have to commute every day. but at the same time, i dont want to try and find a place for three months
because its probably impossible, and moving twice would suck.

I just feel so unstable right now. Even mentally. I couldnt even talk to eric today about me maybe staying without getting all choked up.

And I realized that its probably impossible for me to get into the carlson school of management because i dont have nearly a high enough GPA, so then i was thinking about doing a managment minor (instead of major) and finishing school next spring. i dont know what i want to do after that though. Everything is a freakin blur.

Some good news though, Ive decided to go to california again over spring break. I am going to stay with patrick and nancy for the first few days in san diego and then stay with anna the last few days. so that will be a nice break from this all.